Jul 11, 2011, 05:56AM

The Dillard Gasoline Corporation FAQ

An inside look at artisinal gasoline.

Green gasoline 539  1247493323 3706.jpg?ixlib=rails 2.1

UMASS researchers work at a gasoline producing reactor, attempting to turn green matter into a usable fuel that's more environmentally friendly than conventional gas. Dillard does them one better.

In 2002 Frank Dillard, inventor of the Dillard Phone (the only smartphone with full-size CD-ROM support), injured his lower back while attempting to move an electric kiln by himself. While recuperating in the hospital he had a vision: small-batch artisanal gasoline. Thus was born the Dillard Gasoline Corporation. We hope that this FAQ will address any questions that you might have about our company or our fine product, within reason.
What is Dillard Gasoline Corporation Gasoline?
Dillard Gasoline is a gasoline-like product hand-crafted by old bearded artisans in charming, locally owned workshops that contain many amusing wall-hangings that can be enjoyed for their kitsch value. Dillard Gasoline is suitable for many uses. Some of our customers even put it in their cars!
What’s the difference between Dillard Gasoline and regular gas?
We could go on and on all day about the differences between Dillard Gasoline and its inferior competitors, but we believe that our customers and their mechanics should discover some things for themselves, like Christopher Columbus, or teenagers breaking into an abandoned house. Like gasoline, Dillard Gasoline flows unfettered, always downhill; like gasoline it fills any vessel into which it is poured. Neither regular gas nor Dillard Gasoline appears in Aesop’s fables.
Regular gas and Dillard Gasoline both strike people as something that would not be pleasant to be immersed in. They are quite similar colors I guess. Our customers and their legal representatives often write detailed letters enumerating the differences between our product and the insipid drippings of our competitors—maybe one day you will write one of these letters! We can learn together!
Is the thing about the lizard eggs true?
Was the detailed plot synopsis of the movie Spawn (1997, John Leguizamo) included in the Dillard Gasoline Corporation Investor’s Prospectus on purpose?
Yes. Mr. Dillard feels that Spawn’s struggle to overcome the evil mercenary Jason Wynn (Martin Sheen) and the demon “Malebolgia” demonstrates a moral force and clarity that his investors should understand before they do business with him. Unusually damp weather in the spring of 2010 has rendered Mr. Dillard’s homemade Spawn costume moldy and unwearable, and he no longer appears in it at board meetings. Dillard Gasoline customers who know of a reliable source for high quality Spawn apparel should contact emergencydillardgas@comcast.net.
Does Dillard Gasoline cause horrifying visions?
Dillard Gasoline has been known to affect the central nervous system when ingested, rubbed on the skin, inhaled, or sent by sorcery. On occasion these effects take the form of nightmarish phantasmagoria, for instance an eerie procession of shades draped in the moldering robes of the ancient kings of Israel.
Some Dillard Gasoline customers have reported that the ancient kings bear charnel offerings to a great subterranean temple, split long ago by earthquake and filled with the yellow-white bones of the dead. In solemn procession they heap before the altar their gory oblations; one among them, crowned with rose gold and brass, lifts his white arm to cast a burning brand among the sacrifices, and in the flesh-perfumed smoke they perform nameless, unsettling rites of obsequy to spirits that should neither be venerated nor spoken of. But who are we to say that these visions are “horrifying”? Maybe some people would find these visions to be a lot of fun!
It seems to the Dillard Corporation that someone who would press charges when these nightly visions disturb his rest and cause him to merge his identity with King Uzziah the Leper (c. 780-740 BCE) is rather a poor sport, and possibly a racist. We remind Dillard Gasoline customers that it is slander or libel to publicly state or publish in print the allegations that Dillard Gasoline is a source of tzaraath, a contagious ritual and moral disfigurement that whitens hair and engenders boils and the eruption of mysterious green and red stains on clothing.
Can I use Dillard Gasoline in a small gas or gas/oil engine, such as a lawnmower?
Unlike other corporations the Dillard Gasoline Corporation will never tell you what to do! Words like “missing head,” “chest trauma,” “entire family,” “over 90% of the body,” and “worse than the Holocaust” appear frequently in local and national news items covering people who use Dillard Gasoline in yard tools, but the Dillard Gasoline Corporation believes in a modified version of the scientific method and is therefore unable to determine the precise significance of this correlation.
Why does the Dillard Gasoline Investor’s Prospectus devote so many pages to the religious pronouncements and political goals of the Ghost-King Uzziah?
This is a typographical error, especially the section in which the Ghost-King orders his generals to sack the gardens of Gurbaal and to drive with iron-shod chariot wheels over the children of the Mehunim. The Dillard Corporation does not spend its investors’ funds on the casting of bronze censers or custom ballista parts, or on the persecution of the descendents of Azariah, the high priest who challenged King Uzziah’s right to burn offerings in the temple.
I am an employee or customer of Mehunite extraction.
Hey, that wasn’t a question! Just kidding! Hah hah! Now that we have lightened the mood and created rapport we will tell you this: employees and customers of Mehunite extraction should see the separate Dillard Lawsuit FAQ, as they may be eligible for entry into one of more class-action suits filed against The Dillard Gasoline Corporation.
Does Dillard Gasoline contain additives?
Unlike the inferior products of our competitors Dillard Gasoline contains no harmful artificial additives. Our artisans blend a thick, pasty mixture of lavender, mint and cumin into Dillard Gasoline to make the smell more bearable; this may cause problems with a tiny minority of automobile engines. Consult your manufacturer, or just give it a shot and see what happens!
Where can I buy Dillard Gasoline?
Dillard Gasoline is sold at three convenient locations: Franconia, NH (near Apple Hill Campground), Landaff, NH (ask at town hall), and Garfield, Maine (opening Q2 2013). If your local service station does not carry Dillard Gasoline, consider providing them with our pamphlet Dillard Gasoline and You: Isn’t It About Time?, available for download from Frank’s BBS, “The Dungeone of Androidia.”
Does Dillard Gasoline come out of a regular pump?
No. Because of Dillard Gasoline’s unique, high-performance properties the gasoline pump and hose must be made of wood or ceramic. Patent Dillard Gas Pumps are operated by a convenient foot pedal and are compatible with some domestic and foreign cars.
The Dillard lawsuit.
Please see the separate Dillard Lawsuit FAQ. Mr. Dillard wishes to make the public aware that he never used company funds to purchase virtual clothing and equipment for Yukiko, his character in the popular Korean online game Fighter Princess: Crystals of the Guardians. More precisely, he admits that he never used funds in this way without also using Groupon or another deep-discount coupon service. Mr. Dillard has too much respect for his customers and too much sensitivity to this economy to purchase full price virtual princess wigs.
How can I contact Dillard Gasoline customer service?
Add contact info once Kaitlin makes bail.
Is Dillard Gasoline affiliated with the department store Dillard’s?
No. Please see section 22.28 of the Dillard Lawsuit FAQ (“Existing restraining orders on Frank Dillard”).


Register or Login to leave a comment