Dec 01, 2008, 05:22AM

Mr. Wrong: Being Thankful

In which our stuffing-engorged columnist reflects on the glorious traditions of Thanksgiving.

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Photo by Terren in Virginia.

So we just celebrated—besides Super Bowl—my Most fave-rave Holiday of the year, namely; The Thanksgiving. First of all, I do not support the whole idea of Squanto or whoever sitting down with the Ye Olde Pilgrims and sharing maize, quahogs, and All Manner of Divers & Assorted Victual or whatever, because I can look at this real—or hey, perhaps maybe even fictional—event with the great expanse of Time on my side, and basically, it’s pretty fucked up because the Indigenous Peoples got Totally Exterminated, mostly, and so therefore; I don’t really support that Idea of Thanksgiving, because, really, this is America, and supposedly I can Think whatever the turkey-winged I want about whatever I want, and I think that idea of Thanksgiving has too much baggage, you know?

Yeah, my Idea of the whole Thanksgiving deal is:
1.) Eating.
2.) Being sincerely Thanksgivingful for things.
3.) Having some more to Eat.
4) Snack time.
5.) Heated-up leftovers.

I don’t worry about how I got here to America The Beautiful because that’s Not Me, man, I didn’t do it, and all I am is Here, and I am ready to Observe the Holiday of Thanksgiving on my own terms. I have my own Personal Relationship with Thanksgiving, dig? Anyway, Eat and Be Thanksgivingful! That’s all you gotta do. You wanna expand on that, go right ahead, just don’t hog the mashed potatoes, umkay? Personally, I enjoy all the Stereotypical Foods of Thanksgiving, including kielbasa, lasagna, and sauerkraut, but as far as the rest of the Typical stereos, I really don’t even care about the parade on teevee or the football or any of that Black Friday shopping-and-deals-frenzy crapola, just gimme that turkey leg, baby. Yeah!

Yes, I am not sufficiently advanced enough to spare the Turkey, and I got it all Justified in my head anyway, like, I dunno, hundreds of years from now people from The Future will chuckle about how we enslaved the Animals and actually ate them and stuff, and I am perfectly content to be the Primitive Unenlightened Ancestor illustration in the digi-panel or brain-beam they will use to teach the Children of The Future all about the great Holiday of Thanksgiving.

And what is with this stupid-ass Presidential Pardon for a goddamn Turkey every year? I’m not talking about the Human ones the soon-to-be-ex-presidents Pardon when they’re getting ready to leave office, I’m talking about this photo-op with The President of The United States of America and a real-live Turkey animal, wherein the Turkey is Spared form the Thanksgiving table and allowed to live out its life, on a Turkey Farm, I guess. Just once I would like to see POTUS say “c’mon, man, this is stupid,” or at least, “Don’t you know it’s too close to Thanksgiving to be no jive Turkey? Pardon DENIED! Let’s eat!”

As far as the Thanksgivingful part of My Thanksgiving, right now I got clothes on my back, a roof over my head, three hots and a cot, a J-O-B, and I make extra loot writing a column for this very Splice Today Web site, which is a surfeit of good shit to be enumerating my Thanksfuls over. Seriously man, these are Uncertain Economic Times, you know? Every nickel I can shake loose now is gonna be fondly remembered in a coupla years, I think. I am also Thankful for: Snack Food.

Besides the check I get for pooping out my column—yeah, Gets Paid to write this thing—I get something that warms the cockles of my Turkey-clogged heart, namely, a Message, written directly to me from the Beautiful Person who is in charge of getting the checks out, and it reads:

Thank you for contributing to Splice Today. Enclosed please find a check . . . Please accept this check as payment for your written contribution to the site. . . We appreciate you taking the time and effort to help make Splice Today an enjoyable and worthwhile site that achieves its mission of promoting interesting and intelligent prose on the web . . .

How great is that? Not only do I Get Paid for my column, I get Thanked for my column! That is pretty classy, eh? I hope it’s not a Clerical Error or something, like I was supposed to just get the check, with maybe some questions about what exactly it is I really do for the Splice Today. Anyway, even if they take me off the Thanks List, at least I managed to use it to chew up some of my word count! Mwaahaaa! But really, I especially like the “interesting and intelligent prose” part; that totally kills me every time, man, Prose! Har! I am a Proseur! I know, I know, it’s probably mostly a “form letter,” but it gets sent to me and signed by a Human Being every time I get a check! For writing my column! Bwaahahaaa! Every other week, man, I get the best laugh, seriously, but look, I totally am Thanksgivingful for the check, also, and most Sincerely, I am Thankful for the Kind Sentiment in re my, uh, efforts towards like, prose and shit. Good times. Thanks for Giving, and let’s eat!

  • Thanksgiving never really did it for me. Maybe it's the fact that I just never dug the type of food traditionally served (turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, yams, cranberries, etc.). Now Fourth of July, that's my jam! I loooooove burgers, hot dogs, and all that great all American grub. I've never tried to barbeque a turkey but I bet it wouldn't taste as good as a pound of sirloin.

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  • I'm thanksgivingful for this article introducing me to the word thansgivingful.

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