Jul 10, 2018, 06:28AM

High-End Tech Breakfast

With a dash of the old world.

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A passion for breakfast food counts as one of Human Host's prime interests as a group. We worship at the altar of a healthy start, that nutritional explosion of life-affirming bliss that gets the blood pumping and sets the mind aglow.

Over the course of the past 90,000 years—in between our various non-culinary creative projects—we've been working on a recipe for the kind of living breathing breakfast food that can please even the most ravenous beast hordes whether they're known, unknown, real, or imaginary.

With egg dishes such as Scramblasaurus Sex and Ovo Wonkers Deluxe, or our more recent Gooblazoid Marrow proton shakes, we've gone out of our way to make sure that a wholesome breakfast can make that obnoxious party trick known as civilization seem about 1000 times more important than it actually is.

We know that helping you to begin the daily psychic pleasure parade is a privilege so we'll continue to hope that your steamin' trough will always have space for the Host-ian pungence every morning for as long as we all shall laugh at the blind forces of maternity.

Our charity-infused hunger shred combines the highest quality demonic ingredients to form a hard-lovin' super hybrid that could shock the pants offa Frankenstein himself: 11 dream dust, freshly fallen leaves, holiday morphers, sunlight drenched in honey, mentality huskers, the ash of cattle fire, and bouncy-wouncy planets picked only at the peak of perfection by a rag-tag team of cyclopean meatheads.

As our pantry overflows with these eye-watering components, we’re proud to announce the holy splatter birth of HOST-E-O's—the cosmos' first ever possibility flavored cereal, a subliminal blend providing a full days allowance of nine essential glops and a "good luck" dash of psychedelic sports medicine.

Something this magnificent doesn't just pop out of the ground. The raw materials crammed into every single box of Host-E-O's are harvested using a special process that melds old world tradition with high-end technology. It's a time blaster that's subjected to rigorous scrutiny. Host-E-O's must meet some of the industry's toughest make-believe standards of quality before hitting the shelves at your local flonknongrian feed silo.

We're always one step ahead of the health administrators because we work outside the laws and systems of romanticized super-nature. This means that we abstain from using monstricides, synthetic idolizers, genetically modified octo-fungus, etc.

Instead, ridiculous crap like glitter wars and violent anti-fascist soil experiments provide the perfect conditions for the growth of omnivorous brain plants, muscle-bound micro-wolves, a slew of carefully cultivated misconceptions, and many of the other things which come to life whenever you ram that god-like pie-hole with a heapin' helpin' of Host-E-O's.

A sweet and sensitive attitude towards agriculture sparks the preservation of action-packed breakfast thunder, and lotsa other stuff that shameless liars usually claim to enjoy. So the next time you saunter by a radioactive trench located near Umatilla, Oregon please remember this: once you've run outta Brimstone Crunch, when your local super market no longer stocks Methy Smackz, when swamp-flavored oatmeal with devilish skin bits is no longer a weekly staple at the Lava-holics Unanimous meeting, there's only one cereal that'll help you to greet the day with acid fried lucidity: HOST-E-O'S!


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