Jun 06, 2023, 06:29AM

The Ultimate US History Cheat Sheet

This is the last essay exam guide you’ll ever need.

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My column has been preempted this week so that Splice Today might present this final exam essay written either by ChatGPT or a freshman in the online U.S. History survey course who, owing to how busy they were with whatever things they were doing (shitposting, probably), never attended a single class.

—Analyze the extent to which TWO of the following transformed American society in the latter half of the 20th century: the civil rights movement, the anti-war movement, the women’s movement.

Time to get down to some real talk here. I’ve been Googling history stuff all night, so rest assured that I’ve got it down cold. Plus, did I mention I took AP U.S. History? I was in that class. Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation, Constitution, 1619 housing projects… you name it, I’ve probably heard of it. Got a two on that test and a two on some other test, so that’s four, which looked pretty good on my transcript (I also got into Villanova, George Washington, and La Salle, FYI). I hope you understand that with my AP background and all the colds and flus and other injuries I’ve incurred, I just didn’t feel the need to log into the class as much as some others who are healthier and weren’t in as many APs as me. You’ll soon see this is “no problemo” grade-wise, and it will all work out for the best. It’s okay with me.

Anyway, for the starter (thesis), one of the big movements in United States of America History was the movement for the rights of civilians as well as soldiers (this is the thesis). As we both know (you, being the zoom guy and/or teacher, should probably know it as well as I do), there are many of these in the United States of America (15). Some of the rights, such as the right to bear arms, come directly from Wikipedia. Others, such as freedom of speech, are good common sense. Can you imagine what life would be like if we were never able to say what we wanted? How could I even write this exam? But sometimes speech can go a little too far, or not far enough, and it’s either hateful or okay, depending on whether you’re posting on Twitter or TikTok. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

There are so many rights, and they’re constantly on the move. Where are they going? I don’t have a clue, but if I were a betting person like I am on my FanDuel app (I just won $300 on the Miami Heat; let’s go, Jimmy Butler!), I’d guess the rights were going to do a semester abroad, like me. But I can’t say for sure! I might be superstitious—I’ve got a fire rising sign and that makes me a bit confrontational—but I can’t tell the future. However, I do believe that one of the big rights that’s coming down the pipeline, if you’ll excuse my little pun, is the right to be vaccine-free. This is supported by, among other big names, RFK, the candidate for president, as well as Marianne Williamson (they look like someone’s nice old uncle and aunt, who have a house with a big deck and a below-ground pool).

The right to be 420-friendly is also supported by me and my besties, since it’s a nice alternative to drinking Red Dog beer and doesn’t give you such awful headaches and explosive diarrhea (just the munchies LOL!). Another right that is in the works is the right for trans marriage, which is okay just as long as the government doesn’t try to force that on me (I know the TikTok vibe is more trans than gay right now, but I’m a little “trad” and more into the L and the G). I was told after a recent arrest for disorderly conduct that I had the right to silence, which is a right that’s easy to take for granted. Nothing beats a little peace and quiet.

Now, along with those rights comes the anti-war movement. I think this is either a misprint (typo) or maybe you mean we’re moving away from how great we were when we “ran a train” on all those other punk nations (China, Europe, etc.) when they tried to take down our rights and lefts the way the Cody Rhodes is going to try to take down Roman Reigns at the upcoming WrestleMania (Tribal chief FTW!). Back before the “movement” to anti-war, the United States of America was constantly warring. These wars, as seen in War Horse, Iron Man: War Machine, and Dunkirk, were undoubtedly some of the most important historical events imaginable. In fact, when I think about history at all, I think about the big wars and how much of the history of the United States of America is tied up in them, along with the slavery, which is still with us as we saw during the protests. Remember, without the “Revolutionary War” (1865-present) neither we nor the slaves would be here, am I right? Or maybe we would be speaking another language that is less familiar to me, which would definitely make it more difficult to exercise the right to freedom of speech but easier to exercise the right to remain silent.

Finally, there’s the women’s movement. This is the last of the movements but definitely not the least. Let me take a big change of pace and tell you a little story. My mom, who’s a doctor or manager of some kind, is obviously proof of the women’s movement. Fifty years ago she’d still be unable to go to college because of the glass ceiling. It wasn’t until the women’s movement in the Rose Parking Lot that saw us breaking through that glass ceiling and opening the doors of colleges like this one to some women as well as men, thereby allowing my mom to graduate from high school and then go on to pursue her higher education.

However, not all movements are necessarily 100 percent good, since one thing the glass ceiling did was keep the women at home. Because she was doing her important job, my mom was always working late and I never got a good, home-cooked meal. Instead, she’d leave $10 on the counter so that I could order Chinese takeout. Along with the knee injuries I incurred while I was becoming all-state in the sports I was allegedly recruited to play here at school, this lack of home-cooked meals is why I have the weight problem that you see before you today.

In conclusion, my analysis of the movements in the history of the United States of America shows that some were good, most were not so good, and others have directly impacted our lives, such as slavery, WOKE, and being based af. Concludingly, even though there has already been a lot of movement, I expect that there will be more in the future. For example, and by way of conclusion, the economy will stay in a depression and the stocks may continue to fall, although I’m not sure why they fell the first time (maybe the bookcase wasn’t steady?). As a conclusion, one thing we learn from history is that it’s different from today as well as from the future, but how exactly that is I can’t say just yet, and I probably never will. 


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