Epidermis-eating fish are too expensive to throw away. "And there's no way to sanitize them unless you bake them for 20 minutes at 350 degrees," says Lynda Elliott, an official with the New Hampshire Board of Barbering, Cosmetology and Esthetics. The board outlawed fish pedicures in November.
—The Wall Street Journal, March 23, 2009.
“It may cause you to have permanent scarring, to lose part of your leg, or it might even be fatal. In fact, pedicures are one of the most potentially deadly spa treatments, as a number of women have died from them.”
—Associated Content, April 2, 2007.
Located this week in an abandoned warehouse in Flatbush, from its unlikely setting to its rusty implements, Odyne Salon simply screams cutting edge. Drop in this weekend and experience our ancient (not yet approved) practices that have US health officials and corresponding agencies for disease control and prevention buzzing! Some of our services:
Finally: a non-surgical alternative to Botox! Our aestheticians begin by enclosing your head in one of our handcrafted beauty boxes filled with swarming, angry bees. Once the bees commence their stinging, you’ll notice a gentle tingling sensation in the face and neck. That means it’s working! Just sit back, relax and allow the venom to soak in and your face to swell, filling in unsightly crows feet and laugh lines naturally.
Borrowed from the desert-dwellers of the Northern Sahara and perfected by our staff for in-house use, this all-natural skincare technique goes back centuries. Finally, you don’t have to live in the desert to reap its rewards, because at Odyne we’ve brought the desert to you! First, we lock you in a wind chamber with a small pile of sand. You’ll be amazed at how the sand naturally and gently scrubs away dead skin cells, and some live ones, too, revealing a fresher, younger, more pink layer beneath. Unlike a chemical peel, which uses harsh chemicals and drying agents, the sandstorm exfoliant works naturally, mimicking nature’s own methods for polishing the limestone used to build the pyramids.
The Crucible Moisturizing Treatment
Derived from the Salem witch trials of 1692, for this treatment customers are bound and then dropped into a well of rose water. If the customer floats, she is declared a witch—albeit one with great skin tone—and is immediately, following the “drowning,” “hung” in the salon’s inversion chair designed to improve circulation to the face yielding a noticeably younger, rosier hue. If she sinks, she is “not a witch” and her skin tone no longer matters. Those customers, pending survival, will receive a full refund. All through September, customers who purchase The Crucible package will receive a complimentary raffle ticket and will be automatically enrolled in the Hot Stone Massage Lottery.
Peanut Allergy Neck Firming Treatment
(Designed specifically for people with peanut allergies): Spa clients are fed a delicious cake prepared in a factory that uses actual peanuts. As the throat swells, droopy skin fills naturally so that the skin of the neck appears younger, more radiant, and unsightly rings effortlessly disappear.
Hot Stone Massage
Fans of the The Crucible will love “The Stoning,” as our regulars call it. We begin by heating therapeutic stones whose ancient calming properties will soothe and relax you on contact. Some customers become so relaxed they actually lose consciousness! This is a great way to finish out a tough week at the office or home! *Each week in September one lucky Lottery winner will be drawn and given a complimentary Stoning.
Boa Body Cellulite Removal
As our in-house Boa constrictors coil themselves tightly around your body, muscles will tighten in resistance, firming and toning flabby arms and thighs, just like in Pilates.
Leeching Weight-Loss System
Angelina Jolie, who recently visited Austria to be treated with leeches, is a big fan of this tried and true system. As an Odyne client, however, you don’t have to take expensive trips to Austria to be bled, as we’re committed to bringing these bloodsucking beauties to you. Come sample our leeches for 25 percent off all of September! Who needs all that unsightly excess blood around the thighs, waist and buttocks?
South American Parasite Diet
Finally you can look like you’ve just got back from a Mexican get-away all year round by participating in our permanent weight-loss solution. Meet Randy, one in our family of tapeworms, who will help you keep the weight off for good!
Baby Bear Full Body Toner
Our dedicated team of professionals locks you in a cage with a vicious animal; see how fit you get when your life is at stake!
Hostage Crisis Mustache Removal Kit (Market Price)
After duct-taping your mouth and leaving you alone at the bottom of a dark and damp hole where we let the adhesive set, our dedicated staff of hair removal experts will call your family to discuss the “fee” or as we at Odyne call it, “the ransom.” (Some of our more advanced hair removal treatments can become quite pricey and it’s often best to check the state of your finances before visiting our salon.) If your family complies with the salon’s demands, the tape will be removed in one swift motion and you will be released with a super smooth, ultra-feminine upper lip. (No more unsightly caterpillar lip for this bombshell!) Should your family decide “[they] do not negotiate with terrorists,” however, you will be given one final complimentary “Drowning” and very likely never heard from again.
Vietnamese POW Pubic Wax
Comparable to the ever-popular Brazilian bikini wax, this treatment is still available in most salons around the world. Developed from a long tradition of POW interrogation techniques, our hair removal system will not only “make you talk,” but will have all your friends talking, too—about how good you look! Our staff has years of field experience “in these and other depilatory techniques.” For just a modest fee, they will pour hot wax over your genitalia, attach a piece of paper while tacky, and rip it off!
“After I left Odyne, I couldn’t sit, stand or walk for days. I never felt so sexy! Highly recommended.”—Rachel, Tennessee
“I was visiting New York City with my sister. We were at the tail end of our Sex and the City Tour and had just finished eating cupcakes at Magnolia bakery when we were abducted and given Odyne’s deluxe Hostage Treatment. When we finally got back to Louisiana one month later—it took a while before our parents could raise the money for the fee—no one could stop talking about how great we looked! Odyne is expensive but well worth it!”—Julie, Louisiana
“I was in the meatpacking district when we got a flyer about Odyne salon. I got the Facial Sting while my friend got the Boa Body, which she said is AMAZEing. Despite the bruises and the long-term shortness of breath that has resulted, she can’t stop raving about her new body! As for me, I’ve never gotten so much attention from men and women alike. When I walk down the street, people can’t stop staring. It’s been weeks since the treatment, and I can still feel it working! How many salons can you say that about! Thanks, Odyne!”—Alison and Katie, Manhattan
The funniest thing about this, for me, is the idea of illicit spas perpetually on the run and leapfrogging from urban space to urban space, like raves or unlicensed clubs/noise-rock venues. Kudos!
An utter delight, as always. Perhaps you could suggest a use for all my spare rattlesnake venom?