Jun 21, 2023, 05:57AM

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Employment in 2023

Today’s emerging industries are located just outside the box.

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In a crummy, recession-addled economy like this one, the best place to look for a job is outside the box. With that in mind, I’ll give you the straight dope on a number of emerging industries. Although it’s unlikely that every single one of these will fit your special needs, they’re all better than flipping hamburger patties (a job that’s soon to be automated) or mowing your parents’ yard ($5 and never adjusted for inflation).

Unemployment: Unemployment is the fastest-growing field in today’s knowledge economy. Most of you have probably been conditioned to fear taking a job like unemployment, but consider the possibilities—when you’re unemployed, you can sleep 24 hours a day! Try to think of any other career where that’s possible. Come on, keep trying. Bed tester? Please. Even then, you’ve got to stay awake and attentive for at least a few hours to tell them what you think of that mattress. Unemployment might not pay very much, but you can’t beat the benefits.

Lottery: I’ve promoted the lottery before, so why stop now? No matter how you look at it, there’s no denying that it’s the best and easiest way to turn $1 into megabucks. Doubters might tell you that there’s a better chance of putting a man on the moon than winning the lottery, but get real—we all know that the moon, like the Twin Towers and the Titanic, is a hoax perpetrated on normies. Look it up on Wikipedia. Anyway, there are all kinds of lotteries and, unlike more challenging games such as “Go Fish” and “Flappy Bird,” you don’t need to waste time learning complicated strategies. Consult the zodiac, pick the numbers with the most luck, and then call your shot, fireballer. Just remember: You can’t win if you don’t play!

Starbury apparel: It’s always good to get in on the ground floor of a hot new fashion trend, even if that trend happened a decade ago. We did this when we worked for Abercrombie & Fitch back before they lost that big discrimination lawsuit, and now we’re willing to stake our sacred honor in support of the belief that Starbury-brand apparel, discontinued since 2015, is going to be the next big thing. If you’re looking for a job with a growing company, look no further than this one; it doesn’t even exist! In its current inchoate and 100 percent virtual form, it’s fronted by legendary NBA point guard Stephon “Starbury” Marbury, who loves these affordable garments so much he was willing to partner with now-defunct retailer Steve & Barry’s (not to be confused with nearly-defunct arcade nightspot Dave & Buster’s) to sell them to you at cost. I might be way off base in thinking this, but what serious streetballer wouldn’t go crazy for a pair of $10 high-top kicks? Gamble a stamp and send Starbury 2.0 your resumés, people.

Professional wrestler: Most of you might think that this stuff went out of style back in the 1990s, when The Rock, “Diamond” Dallas Page, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, William Regal and others were competing to join Vince McMahon’s “Kiss My Ass Club.” Think again—pro wrestling is still on television! These days, many of the top-tier wrestlers, particularly in AEW, are noodle-armed, pencil-necked geeks who couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag with two open ends. In other words, they look nothing like the juiced-up hardbodies who dominated the “sport” a decade ago. What this means, then, is that there’s now plenty of room in wrestling for extremely online folks who find themselves saddled with bodies forged by years of heavy posting. If you’re in search of an occupation that combines the highbrow appeal of softcore pornography with the scripted unreality of a presidential debate, look no further.

NCAA basketball pool: These pools, which correspond with the beginning of the annual NCAA men’s basketball Tournament, are a great way to earn big bucks from your imbecile friends. Try to organize as many pools as you can, inviting only besties who are blithely ignorant of the college basketball landscape. Collect their sawbucks and watch as their picks—made on the basis of arbitrary criteria such as preference for a particular school’s colors, mascot, or vibe (based? cringe?)—fall by the wayside. Since this event happens only once a year, you can’t make a career out of it—but the sizable stake you earn here can be reinvested in more profitable ventures, like the lottery.

Madden tournaments: Other than sleeping, which is essential for success in the field of unemployment, few skills will become as finely-honed during six or seven years of college as one’s ability to play the various iterations of EA Sports’ “Madden” series. There are tournaments with cash prizes for nearly every installment of the game, so au courant types can flash their skills on “Madden 2023” while purists can rock the “Madden 2003” version of Michael Vick (overall rating: 95, speed: 99). You’ve already invested the time in learning how to explode a spread offense with a well-timed monster blitz, so why not get paid for it?

No matter which of these careers you choose to pursue, you’re bound to discover the kind of satisfaction you couldn’t find inside the box. In fact, the only thing you’re likely to discover if you keep on puttering around inside that damn box is a past-due receipt for your student loans—and even a decade’s worth of triumphs on the “Madden 2015” and “Madden 2020” tournament circuits won’t make those non-dischargeable marks of Cain disappear. Neither, for that matter, will death, but that’s a story for another day.


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