Jul 14, 2014, 07:03AM

So You Want Human Host to Play Your Show

A how-to for promoters.

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So far our benevolent editors here at Splice Today have been kind enough to let us expound upon some of the finer points of the Human Host experience: the responsibilities and benefits one accepts when choosing to work with us, our steadfast support of this nation’s best and brightest political candidates, and even our love of pro-sports. Naturally then, as we have become more publicly active again, it seems only right to outline what it takes to host a live event for the musical section of our group. Just like countless other pro-level artists we demand special treatment. The booking agents and stage managers we work with must go out of their way to maintain an atmosphere specifically conducive not only to our creative process, but also one which perfectly compliments our way of life and our strict code of morality.

So now, with great pleasure, we proudly present this ‘how to’ guide for the novice Human Host concert promoter:

Before welcoming our group into your venue, make sure that the bands-only green room is reserved exclusively for Human Host. This is important mainly because our first order of business there will be the laborious task of filling up that room with several hundred pounds of fresh chopped onions. FYI: we exist in a perpetual state of sorrow, so this will make our tears of pain flow with ease, not to mention prismatic grace. And just because we don’t want you and the staff of your venue to feel left out, the chopped onion deluge will insure that you too can at least look like you’re suffering the soul crushing torment that is our private hell.

Next there is the matter of food. If we are to receive a proper feeding, you must find a secluded spot in your venue’s parking lot and dig a shallow pit. This can easily be done with an earth mover and a few jack hammers. Next, fill the pit about half-way with water, enough so the water line will reach the navel of a person of average height. After that, buy a full size frozen turkey for each member of Human Host, then drench each turkey with high-proof bourbon or whiskey and set each bird on fire. Next, have your staff plunge pitchforks into each flaming turkey. By this time the members of Human Host will have completely disrobed and slipped stealthily into your parking lot pit. Each flaming turkey can then be extinguished in the pit water. Once this is done your staff must carefully hold each turkey crested pitchfork up to the gaping maws of Human Host. Then, and only then, will we begin to feast.

The Savior has long been Human Host’s guiding light. Her athletically sculpted brain, seductive spiral dappling, and charming Walloon swagger have earned her a permanent place on the guest list of every Human Host gig for as long as we’ve been a live act. Due to her extensive purpose, accommodating The Savior is a complex task in and of itself. A parade of elephants, the construction of an intergalactic narco fountain, sanctification for The Cupcake Of Immortal Harvest Power, these are just a handful of her holiness’ usual demands. Even low-level basement venues will be required to fulfill these tall orders, and though it may seem tough, you’ve gotta trust us: the rewards of sating The Savior’s appetite for ritual will bring you an absolutely infinite and spectacular kind of happiness.

The only concrete advice we can give you about dealing with The Savior is simple: Just. Do. What. She. Asks. Just let the tentacles of her alchemic possibility carry you awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!


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