Apr 18, 2023, 06:29AM

How to Be Successful

Read between the lines to secure your one-way ticket to the top.

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One of the toughest things to become in life is a big success. When you think of successful people, what names come to mind? Kim Kardashian, Larry the Cable Guy, Rep. George Santos, Randy from “American Idol,” Dale Earnhardts Senior and Junior, Nicole Eggert, Yasmine Bleeth, Gina Lee Nolin, Erika Eleniak, chinless pro wrestler James Ellsworth, the guy who humped the pie in American Pie, and the kid who played McLovin, to name a few. There might be others, but this list will suffice for now. What do these people all have in common, aside from the fact that they’re so successful? I have absolutely no idea—a few were co-stars on Baywatch—but that won’t stop me from telling you how to succeed.

Be aware of the fact that most people are total failures. Even people who are occasionally successful fail almost all of the time. I recall hearing some old wives’ tales about how Babe Ruth struck out every single time he came to the plate and how “Honest” Abe Lincoln never won so much as a game of Smash Brothers until he captured the presidency in 1860 with a plurality of the vote. In other words, don’t feel too bad if you fail, because you probably always will.

Now that I’ve got those preliminaries out of the way, it’s time to commence a rung-by-rung climb up the ladder of success. The first step to becoming a success is thinking successful thoughts. Unless you approach your life with a successful mindset, you won’t have a chance of harnessing your gr8ness (never mind your gr9ness!). Here’s an example of how adopting such a mindset can change the course of your existence:

You: Look, I’m not going to accept that F. I clearly wrote an A+ paper, and that’s what you’re going to give me.

Your Professor: This is just a printed copy of a Geocities page from 1995 with your name written in pen at the top. You didn’t even change the formatting. It’s not even on the right topic. It’s a Taurus-Gemini compatibility guide, not a discussion of the presidency of Chester Alan Arthur.

You: You’re making the mistake of a lifetime, you gaslighter. I’m a big success, and you better not forget it.

Your Professor: Do you think this is okay?

You: It’s okay by me.

See that? There’s a person who refused to give in, even when the odds were at their longest. He just stayed true to his successful self and wound up right back where he started: on top. Of course, if you’re genuinely successful, you’ll never be anywhere but at the top. Nor will you take anything short of a Steve Austin-style “hell yes!” for an answer. Check out this hot text exchange:

u: hey dude why don’t you come over tonite n we can rock out

urfriend: nah dawg I gots some stuff 2 do

u: sorry man but I don’t take no for an answer

Your friend tried to weasel out of a serious obligation, but you stopped him dead in his tracks—you’re a success, and you’ll never kowtow to the likes of him. He’ll be over there rocking out a game of flip cup before you can say “Madden 2004.”

Another aspect of being successful is having a “thing.” Recall the list presented earlier. Randy of American Idol fame is best known for calling contestants his “dawgs.” Larry the Cable Guy wears sleeveless flannels and urges his fans to “get ’er done.” Kim Kardashian is Kim Kardashian. What do you bring to the table, friends? If the answer is “nothing,” you’d better figure out something tout de suite! Try these possibilities on for size:

The “Yo Mama” person. You never fail to find a way to tell incongruous “yo mama” jokes:

Your Professor: Who won the election of 1860?

You: Yo mama’s so fat there’s a bunch of dirty pictures of her on PornHub and XHamster. She’s got an OnlyFans, too. I’ve watched all of it. It’s pretty hot! She has a great body.

Your Professor: Please leave the room.

The “Donovan McNabb Eagles No. 5 Jersey” person. You’re never seen without your trademark Donovan McNabb Eagles jersey:

Your friend: my dawg, that guy got traded off the Eagles decades ago! Why are you still wearing that tired old jersey? It’s got holes in it, and it smells like a dirty gym sock.

You: I know, right? That’s my thing, just like calling people “dawg” is your thing.

The “Internet first” person. There isn’t a single video or post on the entire internet that you haven’t laid your beautiful blue eyes on hours before anyone else:

urfriend: bro u seen this one killer mac mcclung dunk that happened six seconds ago?

u: dude I already made an animated .gif mocking all the people who were mocking the people who were mocking the people who first uploaded it. and that was yesterday, before the dunk ever happened.

However, even with the right mindset and an unmistakable “thing,” there are no guarantees that you’ll succeed. If you do, though, it’ll probably happen overnight and carry you from rags to riches. It’ll be due to 130 percent perspiration and 18.5 percent inspiration. It won’t just be the only thing; it’ll be everything.

Like my dad used to say, “There’s nothing stopping you from becoming a success except for failure.” That’s one to grow on, true believers.


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