Aug 13, 2008, 01:19PM

A Week In The Life Of Brett Favre

The epic writing of Gregg Easterbrook is back to tackle another NFL season, and his first hit in drills is Brett Favre. Here, while covering all the poltical hypocrisy and public lies of the offseason, the Tuesday Morning Quarterback explains what Jet fans can look forward to this season.

If Favre can retire then nonretire every year, why not every week? Below is a weekly agenda for the Jets' season:

Sunday immediately following game: Favre tells reporters he's "considering" retirement. Says he will come back if all networks agree that cameras will show no player except him.

Monday morning: Favre's agent says client feels "not appreciated" because New York City has not been renamed Brettopolis. Holds tearful farewell news conference, says "I would never go back on my word unless there was something in it for me." Thanks teammates for not coming between him and cameras. Returns to Mississippi.

Monday evening: Hosts vigil in Hattiesburg tent. Tells Oak Grove High School players, "Always be a self-sacrificing team player."

Tuesday morning: Invites hundreds of reporters and cameramen to his farm to see him happily working the land.

Tuesday lunchtime. Tires of working the land.

Wednesday morning. Calls ESPN, New York Times to plant comeback rumor.

Wednesday afternoon. Calls ESPN, New York Times to deny comeback rumor.

Thursday morning. Demands immediate reinstatement. Grants "exclusive" interviews to ESPN, ABC, CBS, NBC, NFLN, CNN, MSNBC, BBC, Fox College Sports/Pacific, CSPAN-2, Planet Green, Oxygen, Toon, Home Preview Channel, HBO Signature HD, SOAPNet, Canal Plus and the MHz4 Nigerian TV Authority.

Thursday evening. Demands New Jersey annex Delaware and give it to him, also demands USM change its sports nickname to the Golden Fours. United States Senate stages all-night emergency session to debate Favre return.

Friday morning. Congress offers $600 billion bailout if Favre returns. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explains, "We don't care who gets the bailout, we just like to give away borrowed money. Hey Nancy, they want more. OK, $800 billion."


Friday afternoon. United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon flies to Hattiesburg in the space shuttle to accompany Favre on his return to New Jersey. Manhattan casting agency hires hundreds of extras to pretend to be adoring Favre fans at arrival.

Saturday morning. Favre attends walk-through, disabled children allowed to touch his garments.

Sunday morning. All other players' names removed from program in order to print Brett Favre in 72-point type across every page. Governor of New Jersey washes Favre's feet during player introductions.

Postgame: Favre hints game may have been his last.


Register or Login to leave a comment