Each time I feel humanity has hit the lowest level, I am proven wrong. I now say aloud “wait for it.” At risk of sounding like some mustache-wearing investigative reporter exposing absurdity, I’m doing just that. This is real, a Baltimore condo community proposing to send poop away for DNA testing to punish dog owners.
Granted, I think most of us hate it when people let their dogs crap all over the streets. An irritating trend I’ve noticed in Baltimore is people bagging up the poop but the leaving the bag on the sidewalk. The non-biodegradable bag of crap. If you’d just left the shit and waited for it to rain, we’d be better off.
Today we salute you residents of Scarlett Place, an upscale condominium development located on the Inner Harbor. Living in Scarlett Place, a complex that has units costing upwards of a million dollars, I’d like to think one would have some manners and possibly what my mother calls couth. The not-so-neighborly neighbors of Scarlett Place are having an issue with dog poop in their building. Their solution? Taking DNA from all dogs that live in the building to track down the turd-dropping culprits.
First, what kind of person owns a pet in an enclosed living space like a condo complex, and allows their dog to walk around dropping off the kids like they’re outside? A high maintenance ass, that’s who. If you are above cleaning up your dog’s crap, essentially inside your own home, you shouldn’t have a dog. I would ask these people, “Do you let the dog poop within the confines of your unit and just leave it?” Their actions suggest they do. That’s just disgusting and I hope they get maggots that’ll eat their eyes out. My honest guess is that they don’t leave poo inside though. Nevertheless, why would it be okay to allow pets to use hallways, elevators or lobbies indoors and not clean it up?
Second, what kind of fancy jerk actually suggests going to the length of taking DNA from every dog that lives in the building to trace the poop? What happened to questioning your fellow man and holding him responsible? Good owners teach their animals to poop outside. Sure, accidents happen, but exercise a little culpability.
This is just another link in the chain of the misguided American way. That this story is front-page national news should be enough to shame the residents into submission. We live in a city that had 238 murders in 2009. Step outside of your bubble, Scarlett Place.
I think I work with the people who are taking the time to actually micromanage the dog poop issue.
Someone call the libertarian squad. Actually, the areas of Charles Village, Mt. Vernon, Hampden and Station North are full of dog shit on the sidewalks and the grass medians. It's awful, it's fucking lazy, and while I don't want DNA swabs I do want to cuff some fools on the back of the head.
You bruiser. Have you actually cuffed any fools on the head?