Pop Culture
Mar 12, 2008, 10:36AM

Mr. Wrong

Poundin' java all day just to stay awake for TV, but now the internet's ruined even that. I'm sleepy.

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I don't know about you, but I'm tired, man. Do you mind if I go lie down for a few minutes? Seriously, all I'm trying to do is get Out There and make a few dollars, but it's like, if I have to get up before 10 a.m. three days in a row, I'm fucking doomed, since I don't ever feel like going to sleep before two or three in the a.m. o'clock of Night, you know?
If I gotta get up again in The Morning, I'm totally fucked, sleepwise, and if I go to Dunkin' Donuts and get the XL coffee avec extra cream and extra sugar, that shit only buys me a coupla hours before I'm thinking about putting my head down someplace, you know? Ohh, it feels doubleplusgood to put your forehead down on a little space of desk or that steering wheel in front you when you need a little power nap, eh? I find it helps to put your head on like, your forearm or something because that way you don't get those lines on your head and face. Man, those are a dead giveaway.

Being sleepy even after mainlining 24 ounces of Dunkin' Go-Juice might also have something to do with the three "Boston Kreme" models of Dunkin' Do-dos I tend to score along with the coffee, but whatever, because after I knock down a gigantor coffee—even if I break my fast in a Healthy manner with some oatmeal or some boring shit like that—I can't just go back and get another big giant coffee because it will burn a goddamn hole in my stomach the way that acid-shit burned through all the floors in the major motion picture Alien, starring Sigourney Weaver. Also in the sequel too, I think. And probably in the sequel to that one, and the one after that, I bet.

Plus, I swear, if I drink multiple Powerful Coffee (and never mind if it's from the Double-D or Starbucks or the places where people who hate Starbucks and Donuts go, because it doesn't matter where, man, don't fucking kid yourself, it's all coffee, Fair Trade, Free Trade, Bad Trade, it's like fucking Oil, man, it's all got the Active Ingredient, even those coffee beans they hire those jungle Civet-cats to eat and then crap out and suckers pay long dollars for), if I pull down two or three Heavy Doses to stay conscious, then alla sudden I start getting dry eyeballs, I swear, this is not some kinda psycho-hallucinogenic belief, man, that shit dries out my eyeballs. And then guess what my Natural Reaction is, hah? Right, close the fucking eyes, man, that gets 'em wet again, and my eyeballs are pretty happy, but then they're all like "hey man, good call on closing the blinds, but besides the moisture, it's warm and dark in here, you know? We're staying in here, alright?"

So then I gotta pry open my fucking eyes and switch to Coke or Mountain Dew or something milder while I'm looking for that bottle of eye drops I got around here someplace, shit. Maybe one of those "Energy Drinks" would work, but I'm pretty sure I could hear something frying in my gut the time I drank four Red Bulls.

Anyway, in case you haven't heard, lately I'm not getting my required Beauty Sleep, which for me is about 10 or 11 hours, for reals, but hey, I get that, then I'm totally Golden for another, I dunno, 36 hours or something, seriously, I have a sleep cycle that probably is better for a planet that revolves slower or something, probably one of those "gas giants," I believe. Back here on Earth, part of my problem is Every Day I'm Hustlin' and the only time I can fit teevee into my schedule is After Hours, if you will, and that's where those extra hours in my day end up.

Look, I can't be expected to be a fully functioning member of Society without some teevee, man. Forget what you heard about Religion or whatever, Television is My Opiate, man. The other day at work I tried watching some of that Teevee on the Internet, Purely for research purposes, of course, because I only recently found out about the Miracle of Teevee on the Internet, but then I almost got fired for breaking it, the Internet or something, and besides that, watching teevee at work is like listening to your Favorite Music at work—it totally ruins it, because later, when you are not At Work and you are attempting to Relax and Enjoy Life by listening to some music and you hear some shit you heard at Work, it fucking makes you think about Work, and I hate Thinking about Work almost as much as I hate Thinking.

But I don't hate Thinking as much as I hate Working, you know? It's way easier to Think than to actually Work, right? It's like this; if the intensive Lottery and Scratch-offs Plan doesn't pan out soon, I'm gonna start looking for one of those jobs where you just sit in a room and Think about stuff and then tell people what to do, you know? Like at a "Think Tank." I keep hearing about these Think Tanks and I think (get it?) I want to work at one. It'll be great, I'll sit around all day and Think about stuff, and then I'll tell somebody who has to Work for a living to make some notes and send that shit out to The Media or whoever thinks that stuff outta Think Tanks is important, on account of how they are always quoting crap and then saying some kinda Think Tank thought it up, and then I'll watch some teevee and take a nap, because teevee kinda makes me sleepy.


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