Pop Culture
Aug 05, 2013, 07:31AM

I Hate Dogs

This means I’m not human.

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I’m tired of having to pretend I like dogs. I do not like your dog. I do not like my own dog. I do not like any fucking dog anywhere, ever. There are two types of creatures on this planet who absolutely cannot understand my dislike for dogs: dog people and dogs.

Dog people assume everyone else is a dog person. When you come to their house, they allow their dog to jump on you, lick-assault you, and go to third base on you with their noses. Dog people do not stop their dog from doing this. I have never understood it. Would it be socially acceptable if, when you came to my house, I allowed my children to tromp on your clothes with their dirty feet, jump up and lick your face, or stick their nose into your crotch? No. So why is it okay for a dog? Dog people think you should care about their dog. That you should “greet” it, pat it, or do whatever dogs and dog people do when they physically express emotion toward one another. Dog people actually seem insulted on their dog’s behalf when I try to explain that I don’t like dogs. Once in awhile, I have actually lied and told someone I am allergic to dogs just to make them get their dog the hell off me and go put it in a room.

Dogs know you’re not a dog person. Each dog in the world that encounters a dog-hater believes, very faithfully and wholeheartedly, that he or she is going to be the dog that will change your mind. They notice you immediately; in a crowded party of 100 people, the dog will sniff you out as a dog hater, walk up to you, and immediately begin a campaign to win your affection. They do the whole sad-dog-face thing, they cock their heads and look at you and pout, they sit to see if you’re impressed by that. They put their heads near your hand as though you need a reminder that you are supposed to be petting them at the moment. No, dog, I am not going to pet you because then my hand will smell like dogs, and I can’t stand dogs.

I blame my freakish dog dislike on my childhood. I grew up in an apartment complex where pets were not allowed. So I wasn’t exposed to dogs at a young age, which is apparently when people who are dog people begin their life-long canine love affair. I never had a dog as a kid, so by the time I was a young adult and was around people with dogs, I was kind of just like why are those people treating that dog like it is a human?

I have a dog. The only reason I have a dog is so that my children have one less thing to whine to their therapists about. I don’t want to be “the mom who never got us a dog when we were little.” That’s it. I agreed to bring home our Cavalier King Charles Overbred Annoying High Maintenance Spaniel under the following conditions: I will not feed the dog. I will not walk the dog. I will not show affection for the dog. The dog is not allowed in my bedroom. Plainly: if you guys want a dog, you take care of the dog. I will pay for food and vet bills, and that’s it. And it’s worked out pretty well: Ollie is going to be five in December. My four children, especially the 15-year-old who is his “true mother,” really love him.

But she was in marching band camp and I had to take the dog to the vet the other day. He needed shots ($175 I would have rather spent at the spa) including one for his annoying skin condition. The vet asked me where “his mom” was and I explained I was just filling in. I did my best to comfort the damn dog when he cried about the shots, even though I smelled like dog the rest of the day.

At the vet, another couple waited for their big old retriever to come out of surgery, and bragged continuously to the receptionist about the dog like it was their child for 10 minutes. Inside my mind, I rolled my eyes. When their dog came out, mine jumped up to greet the bandaged big dog. The couple looked at me and said, “She doesn’t like small dogs.” I looked at them and said, “I don’t like any dogs.” And that shut the damn dog people up. 

  • I hate dogs too. Can't stand em. Most at least. I think i'm probably going to get a pomeranian at some point, because that is the most magical creature. I like cats a hell of a lot and respect them more. Unfortunately I'm allergic :(. The only reason we don't eat dogs is because they don't taste good!

  • You've eaten a lot more dog than you think.

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  • Have you ever tried dog in Korea? Some breeds really aren't that bad although I'd agree that the gamey ones aren't great tasting.

  • I've been to Seoul and might've eaten dog for all I know. I'm certain I've had Kung Pao Rover in NYC's Chinatown.

  • Kung Pao Rover, Kung Pao Rat, they all taste alike to me.

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  • You guys are making me hungry.

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  • Fun post, but not surprisingly I completely and totally disagree... you may hate dogs, but I love them madly. It's people who piss me off...

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  • The Chinese eat dogs

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  • As I told @redneckmommy on Facebook, you guys up in Canada probably have nicer dogs or something ;) Am sure Alfred would be my only exception.

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  • I Love and protect dogs! I don't like dog haters, liberals/leftists, democrats, Brandon Biden/Kommie Kameltoe Harryass, Nazi Piglosi, Antifa, and The Smelly Squad!!!!!

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  • I raised a veterinarian; she's doing a great job loving and protecting dogs. I don't like commenters who change the subject to politics-- which reminds me, I also hate racist, homophobic, sexist right-wingnut conservative Jesus freak asshole Trumpers. Not that politics have anything to do with my dog piece. P.S. I love cats.

  • It's a free speech country ain't it???!! Or only for you fuckin' liberals!! If you don't like my comments then go fuck yourself cunt!! I hate all you fuckin' traitor leftists liberals and your asshole brandon bribethem fucking this country up big time! We will get our country back from you come 2024,got it?!! Ps I love dogs, I hate cats, and you asshole liberal atheists and God Bless America and the South!!

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  • Florida Man weighs in.

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  • I like that an essay here can cause so much ferment eight years after it was published. Marcus Aurelius suggested not worrying about posterity's opinion as it may be no more informed than public opinion today; but here we can put that to the test.

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  • exactly. sore loser insurrection crowd goes wild. yawn.

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  • This is going to be big, because I need to rant somewhere. So fair warning if you read. I HATE dogs. With a passion. I grew up with birds and chickens as my main animals and pets. I LOVE birds, all types. But dogs would always be the enemy because they would try to come and attack and eat my chickes. Never liked dogs because of that. But no one else besides my family gets that. My husband's doesn't care for birds, so I never got any, but he's always wanted to get a dog because that's what he loves and grew up with. Now, at first, I was very hesitant. At the time I didn't hate dogs, just didn't care for them. I didn't want one, but he convinced me to give it a try. So we did. We got a pitbull terrier something mix. That dog was the BANE of my life. We got it as a puppy, and after a few months, I absolutely hated its guts. I tried my best to train it, but it WOULD NOT be potty trained. It would pee and poop everywhere, and every morning I would have to clean its kennel after letting it outside--EVERY morning. It would bark at everything and everyone, jump on everyone, including myself, lick everything, chew everything--and even though I tried to train it, my husband would throw that out the window by rough housing with it and teaching it that biting, jumping up on him, and licking all over him was ok. We ended up having to get rid of the dog a few months later because we moved, and while I was so relieved, I also felt guilty. I finally had my husband back, and that constant stress gone, but he had loved that dog and was heartbroken over having to give her away. A year goes by, and my husband wants another dog. I vehemently refused at first, not wanting to go through that nightmare again. But he convinced me that he would train the dog with me and that he would actually stick to a routine. I though, maybe that was why I hated the dog so much, because it was so untrained. So after much convincing, we got another dog. Turns out, that while this dog is ten times better than the first, and it is trainable, I STILL hate its guts. At first, I TRIED, I really did. I tried to like the mutt (Rottweiler and collie mix), but I just CANT. I can't stand it even touching me. I have my own couch that it's not allowed on, and i dont sit on the couch it sits on, because i cant stand the thought of dog on me or my clothes. Now the time that I used to spend with my husband is now once again spent with that dog. I have to wake up in the middle of the night to take it outside to potty. It will chew on things if I'm not watching it. It's not as bad as the first dog, but God, I find myself so irritated all the time because of it. Again, sorry for such a long post, I just had to spew this somewhere.

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