You do not want to piss off a revengeful woman. Not unless you want her to come and eff you up. Just listen to Blu Cantrell’s one and only jam “Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops!)” if you don’t think I’m telling the truth. Ladies and gay dudes, this should be your relationship anthem.
“Hit‘Em Up Style” was on the radio the other day when my boyfriend and I were driving to IKEA. Has anybody else noticed that there’s nothing on the radio anymore except for Lady Gaga, which is fabulous? But anyway. I was totally shocked when the song came on because it was a throwback to my high school days when “Hit ‘Em Up” was The Jam, and I hadn’t heard it in eight years. Ever hear a song from back in the day and it just makes you go “wooo”?
As soon the song comes on, I’m looking over at my boyfriend and I’m saying (with sass) “Oh no they didn’t!,” now leaning in to turn the volume way up. Ain’t nobody heard from Blu Cantrell’s tail since 2001 when “Hit ‘Em Up” first came out! Blu was the kind of pop star who would only be as famous as her one song would let her.
The lyrics to “Hit ‘Em Up Style” are absolutely hilarious. If you don’t know the song, it’s basically about a woman who is pissed off at a man who’s cheating on her, and she’s seeking revenge in the best way possible: spending all his cash. It opens like this:
While he was scheming
I was beamin' in the beamer just beamin'
can't believe that I caught my man cheating
so I found another way to make him pay for it all
So I went to Neiman-Marcus on a shopping spree-ah
And on the way I grabbed Soley and Mia
And as the cash box rang I
thought everything away
Oh, you want to cheat on me, huh? And not only did she go to Neiman Marcus on a shopping spree-ah, but she brought her girlfriends, too! Now ain’t that some shit? I can see them at the cash register now: “Soley, girl, you like that skirt? Mmmmhmm. Gon’ ‘head and get you some shoes, too.”
In the chorus, Blu smacks us with the song’s punch line:
when your man wanna get buck wild
just go back and hit 'em up style
put your hands on his cash and
spend it to the last dime for all the hard times
I guess what she’s saying is, all right, you can cheat on me if you want to, but you gon’ pay the price—full price. I valued the trust between us and the minute you stole that, I took what was of value to you: them dolla dolla bills.
But is this really how relationships go? If your boyfriend cheated on you, would you really max out all his credit cards with a smile on your face? The more I think about “Hit ‘Em Up,” the more I see that seeking revenge by breaking stuff or getting new stuff is a major trend. Carrie Underwood did that “Before He Cheats” song where she was like, “Bitch if you cheat on me, I will eff your car up!” Jennifer Lopez sings about how her triffling man will see the backs of her red-soled Louboutins (that he paid for) as she walks through the door, leaving his sorry ass. In “Ring the Alarm,” Beyoncé was like the other woman is “gon’ be rockin chinchilla coats, if I let you go,” so that can’t happen.
The all-time best seeking-revenge-because-you-cheated on me is that scene in Waiting to Exhale where a pissed-the-eff-off Angela Bassett finds out that her man is leaving her. Oh no ma’am! And just what does Ms. Bassett do? She rips right into that bastard’s closet, throws all his expensive suits, electronics, watches and shoes right into his BMW. I mean that closet was clean; it wasn’t nothin’ left in there but three hangers. Then Angela sets his shit on fire, looking at it burn from the porch. Smoking a cigarette.
Why are we so attached to “stuff” in relationships? What’s the power of “stuff”? And why is it that the best way to get revenge on a cheating lover is to eff his stuff up, or to spend all his cash on new stuff for yourself?
So later that day after I heard “Hit ‘Em Up,” I called my friend Qway Qway and was like, “Qway Qway, girl, you remember Blu Cantrell?” She did. I asked her if Blu was preaching the truth, and she told me that she knew the dude she was going with was cheating, but, see, he didn’t know she knew. Mmmmhm. So one day he gave her his credit card and told her to spend the day doing her own thing—presumably so he could cheat. “And I was like, okay! (Under her breath) Mmmmhm, watch.” And what did Qway Qway do? She went to the ATM, took out $600, and took herself on a shopping spree-ah.
If my friend Qway Qway did it, I guess that means it’s really real. So I guess you better watch out, bitches! Quick—everybody change your ATM codes; lock your shit up. Also, if you cheat and give your lover the ATM card, well, you’ll be the dumbass.