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Apr 18, 2008, 07:45AM

The Useless Major

Philosophy majors study Truth, which turns out to not be very lucrative. Since they're usually smart enough to be aware that their course of study has questionable relevance outside of academia, they can be kind of a pain to talk to. This author from Whitworth College breaks down everything you need to know about handling one of Plato's disciples.

Remember, there are two types of majors: "Useful" majors and "Jeopardy" majors. Useful majors are, as their name implies, useful. Being a business major is useful if you start a business, and majoring in pre-law is useful if you get caught conducting that "business."

Having a "Jeopardy" major, on the other hand, only comes in handy in those rare situations where Alex Trebek jumps out of a dark alley, waves a stolen handgun in the air and starts asking questions about the causes of the Boer War or the use of narrative disconnect in Brothers Karamazov.

A philosophy major is the Sean Connery of Jeopardy majors - full of bombast but entirely useless.

A philosophy major is actually antiuseful. It hurts you in real life. It's hard knowing everything, but really knowing nothing.

And it's difficult to concentrate on your Taco Bell shift when you suddenly realize your entire existence may, like, just be some mushroom-fueled hallucination of a Gonzaga basketball player in another dimension.



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