Jun 18, 2013, 10:02AM

Are You Ready For July?

Yeah, for real, the summer's already one-third gone—get a move on.

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So, pools. Pools are good for a lot more than working on your tan, nurturing your budding skin cancer, or the moistening the cougars in 4D; they're also ideal for refreshment, for fitness, and it's fun to plunge into the deep end, eyes open, pretending that you're an undersea deep-sea diver, reveling in all that blurred, luminous blue until your oxygen runs out and you surface again, gasping with joy.


The answer is "yes," and "pretty often," and "all the flavors you can sample without getting arrested.”

The Wide, Wild World of Commercially-Available BBQ Sauces

Do your thing. Where's my invite?

Wearing "Wife Beater" Undershirts While Landscaping, Eating At Restaurants, Hosting Parties At Home

See you on Cops.


Why are you even watching television right now?


Why would you even risk alerting murderous intergalactic aliens to our little oasis of peace here on Earth?

Ice Cream

It's time, once again, to engage in age-old arguments about the best way to eat ice cream, but this year you're going to win. Here's what you need to know: milkshakes. That's all: milkshakes. Unless you're a fast eater, sundaes look messy. Cones and those freezer-borne treats you unwrap when you're too cheap to patronize an ice cream parlor are messy; Dipping Dots are, too, after a couple minutes under the hot summer sun. So: milkshakes. Twenty minutes after your crew hits the DQ or the 31 flavors, everyone else will be looking like a herb, screwing around with napkins and towelettes, trying to figure out where to put their garbage, but you? You'll be cool as the other side of the pillow, idly sipping your milkshake from a branded Solo cup, 10 steps ahead of these ninjas.

NFL Football

No, not just yet.

"Duane Wayne" Sunglasses

Never truly out of season.

The Country Fair

Nah: skip the country fair this year, hit the Ren Faire instead. Knave.

The Movies

Try to go catch some of the quarter-billion-dollar and half-billion-dollar entertainments playing at the local theaters, because several summers hence Western civilization will have fallen and you'll look back forlornly on those times when life regularly and generously afforded you opportunities to be happy, really happy, slothful, cramming your face full of Goobers and popcorn and not fleeing zombie cannibals across a denatured apocalyptic landscape as the demented ghost of Roger Ebert laughs, madly, from across the great divide.




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