May 17, 2010, 10:26AM

The Hate, The Love & The Book of Face

Facebook: continuing the slow dissolution of actual relationships, one day at a time.

You’re done for the day. You’re home, showered, fed, relaxed. Light a candle, curl up with a good book, drink some hot tea, and prepare for bed. Or get on Facebook. You’re lying if you claim you wouldn’t care if your Facebook deleted itself. How would you contact those people that literally communicate no other way? How would you see if an ex-boyfriend is seeing some new slut? How would you learn how many times a day that one idiot changes his status? You could not, and your life would be vastly different.

Anyway, here’s what I appreciate about our most hated and loved enemy, Facebook:

Creeping: It’s said getting to know others is an important aspect of getting to know ourselves, right? Well thanks to anonymity, we can discover whatever we wish about another just by clicking and looking. It’s easy to get information that would be uncomfortable or impossible to get in person (uh … are you seeing someone?) Also, Facebook allows your passive aggressive side to take hold. Someone’s not responding to your comment? Check their page. If they’re having straight up wall-to-wall convos with someone else, man, that’s fucked up. That’s no friend. Plus, an added benefit of creeping is that awkward moment in person when you recognize the person, but you’ve never spoken in real life—you’ve only creeped them online. “I think I commented on a picture of your new tattoo once! Yeah, it’s sweet.”

Reading into shit: If someone’s pictures imply sexuality—if they’re willing to be that out there in front of the camera, imagine what they would do behind it? Damn, there are four pictures of her holding a red cup, outside, in the middle of the day. Drinking problem? He just had a relationship change a week ago, now he’s in back with the same girl. They must fight all the time, I’m so glad my relationship isn’t like that.

Statuses: I enjoy looking for the good witticisms of yesteryear as Facebook updates. Some clever lyric, something hilarious, hell, I’d even enjoy a simple XXXXX is an asshole. Ever since they got rid of the “is,” I expected statuses to get better. They’ve gotten worse. I do not want these things:

Daily updates. I don’t give a shit if you’re at Superfresh, soon to be followed by CVS. Unless you want to meet up and buy me some candy, I don’t care.

Sports anything. You’re so happy team X won! Fuck team X! Nothing worse than a feed filled with all caps about sports.

Vagueness. “XXXX has a lot to ponder” or “XXXX is having such a bad day!”

So if your status makes me laugh, I’ll like it. Thumbs up, thank you for the effort.

De-friending: Not yet a word in the dictionary, but surely an important one. Once a month I do a clean-up. I will never see you again. You’re actually a bitch. You broke my best friend’s heart. Your status changes way too much. There are various reasons to de-friend someone; it’s a liberating feeling.

Profile Pictures: Just the right amount of mystery, cuteness, intrigue and lighting. Your profile picture sums up you as a person. It is the first thing someone searching you will see. Do you really want that guy from your Soc 101 class searching you only to see a picture of a LOLCat? Maybe. But if you’re looking to score, make it a picture of you outside, hair down, wearing big Paris Hilton shades, smiling big. This says I’m carefree, I love having fun, come have fun with me! I don’t try too hard. Picking the right picture is a process; if you choose correctly, your following will arrive.


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