Aug 31, 2016, 08:00AM

Please Stop Tagging Me, Facebook Friends


Facebook android opopododo flickr 930x618.jpg?ixlib=rails 2.1

It’s possible that right now, as you read this sentence, you’re contemplating tagging me in a Facebook post. Please, slow your roll—at least until you’ve heard me out. Cool.

Good, good. Are you listening closely? Do not arbitrarily tag me in any of your Facebook posts. Don’t assume that I’m thirsty for your tags. Maybe you noticed that it’s impossible to post a message to my Wall; that’s not by accident.

I mean, look, if we’re Facebook friends, I like you, enjoy your virtual company, and welcome your perspective on this crazy, mixed-up post-Matrix world. But this ain’t a game of Greek dodgeball, so don’t you dare tag me unless:

—We are posed together in a photograph.

—We are posed together in a photograph with some other people.

—You have unearthed rare video/audio footage that you are absolutely, 100-percent certain is relevant to my interests and spiritual growth.

—You are my ex-wife, posting photo or video of our son being himself.

—You’ve absorbed an amusing or infuriating piece of clickbait via a content account and opt to tag me in the comments as though my name were a tick and the post were a wildebeest rampaging down the center of the information superhighway.

On the other hand, please never, ever do any of the following things:

—Do not tag me in any of your hive-minded, crowd-sourcing Illuminati claptrap.

—If I barely have time to manage my life, then I definitely don’t have time for chain letter posts where I list favorite movies, albums, TV shows or aardvarks.

—Basically, don’t tag me in anything with a bunch of other people, unless it involves, like amethysts, quartzes, and other gem stones, since I’m a sucker for that junk.

—Or do your post, tagging your other 37 victims in the body of the main post, then tag me in the comments of that post—that’s tolerable.

—Oh, you recorded a new album? Don’t tag me, dawg—PM or email me.

Feel me? Gnarly.


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