Jun 03, 2013, 09:20AM

If I Do Something Outlandish, Will You Listen?

WikiHow's 10 Steps to Internet Fame.

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I am not Internet Famous. I am not shameless. I have standards. I am too young not to take myself seriously in the public sphere. I think. Recently, I sized up the pathetic “42” under “Followers” on my Twitter page, and made a conscious, fleeting decision to Increase My Internet Presence. At the time of this writing, I have 41.

Every few weeks, it seems, someone is rewarded with a lick of fame or a job offer due to bad behavior. Look no further than the Michael Shannon-approved Sorority Girl Rant. The Internet doesn’t need another article on the subject, so instead let’s talk about how Rebecca Martinson’s newfound notoriety landed her a potential gig at Scores. What, I ask myself, would an unemployed filmmaker-writer like you want to do with such a workspace? Well, it pays, for one.

I can be loud and brash. Is that what you want? The other day, accompanying one of my best friends to LGA for his move to Madison, Wisconsin, I had an anxious, reprehensible outburst. “Sorry, I have Tourette’s,” I giggled. “Wait. Really?” He stared at me, aghast with sincerity, as if this revelation somehow explained away the inner workings of my personality. If I can be that disarming and convincing to someone who knows me well, imagine how shocking my unbridled behavior must seem to strangers. To the Internet. I might be a good fit for This after all.

WikiHow tells me there are 10 surefire steps to achieving Internet fame. “Here are some ways in which you can become a web celebrity and have at least your 15 minutes of fame. Try it!” Do I bleed out Now, or Later?

I do not have Tourette’s.

Focus on what might make you famous, Step #2 encourages. You’re fascinating, interesting, unusual, alluring, or unique. Well, obviously. Much Internet fame is about working the “cult of personality”. Peas and carrots. But why don’t they know how to integrate quotes? The period goes inside the quotation mark.

Expect your Internet quest for fame to require effort, cautions Step #5. Be dedicated. If fame is what you want, make this your passion, your raison d’être every spare moment. Okay, but what is my angle? Be patient and persistent. I don’t have time for this.

I revisit one of #2’s bullet points, the real meat and potatoes of the article. You have something worth people’s attention rather than being attention-seeking. Seems to go against the rest of what you’re saying, but I like where we’re headed. What you have to offer readers and viewers is entertaining, enjoyable, and new (or presents a new way of looking at something age-old). Go on. It’s about the information and entertainment, not about “Look at me!”. Bingo. Minus the pesky, extraneous period—but, nevertheless, Bingo.

Wait a minute. I must remove the Me to make the Internet care about Me? Backwards, again. But I like the Me. I don’t have to be in your face about it. All I want is to be read and have an audience.  To find people who feel as I do, who care about the same things that I do. I don’t want fame, per se: just a forum.

I’m starting my own site. I’m seeing where it takes me. No, there aren’t enough already. I’m not particularly picky, but I want it to address film and culture through a personal, reflective lens. If you can hit upon all three in one fell swoop, we might be self-involved soul mates.

Find it here: Worthy of the Net [the Intersection of Film, Culture, and Self]

Submit to it here: worthyofthenet@gmail.com


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