Sep 18, 2009, 05:58AM

Welcome to La Quinta Inns and Suites

Take a minute to read our introductory packet, and enjoy your stay.

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Photo from DiscoverDuPage

Thank you for choosing La Quinta Inns and Suites #1882, Las Cruces! We hope your stay will be enjoyable and restful. Please take a few moments to familiarize yourself with this guide.

Please don't hesitate to call our front desk at any time. We can assist you with local tourism, further travel, restaurant recommendations, and more! We encourage you to completely suppress your inter-subjectivity when dealing with our front desk staff. Approach them entirely without compassion, empathy or mercy. Think of them as separated from you by a difference of kind rather than degree; do not stint in your requests to them. Treat them as you would imagine treating an ugly robot. Think of them as having neither parents nor family nor friends, as if they emerged from a primordial slime already wearing their La Quinta blazers, their eyes as blank as a reptile's.

Vending Machines
Vending machines are available next to the elevators on each floor. Their enclosures have been designed with the Japanese conception of "wabi-sabi" in mind. Wabi-sabi is a melancholy acceptance of decay and impermanence, the sad and always dwindling nature of the illusory devil world in which we live. Complimentary copies of the award-wining Playstation 2 game Illusory Devil World are available at the front desk, although they are not suitable for guests under 21 years of age because of the controversial underage panther scene. The concierge is able to answer gameplay questions but sometimes he will have to tell you things that you really don't want to hear.

Word over all, beautiful as the sky!
Beautiful that war, and all its deeds of carnage, must in time be utterly lost;
That the hands of the sisters Death and Night, incessantly softly
wash again, and ever again, this soil'd world:
... For my enemy is dead-a man divine as myself is dead;
I look where he lies, white-faced and still, in the coffin--I draw near;
I bend down, and touch lightly with my lips the white face in the coffin
(Walt Whitman)

Please leave clothing to be laundered outside your door by 10 p.m. It will be returned to you by 6:15 a.m. the next day. BLUE laundry bag indicates delicates and undergarments. RED bag indicates dry-clean only (suits, outerwear), ROYAL BLUE bag indicates clothes that you used to really like but have lately grown less fond of. CRIMSON bags are for clothes that you only sleep in (ironic t-shirts that you are not brave enough to wear, old college sweatshirts, ugly shorts), BLEU FONCÉ bags are for athletic clothing that you bought when fist starting a new sport but now realize is substandard, whereas COBALT bags are for high-quality athletic clothing (including jodhpurs) and UnderArmour compression garments. CARMINE bags are for religious clothing (chasubles, mitres, also phylacteries) and VERMILLION bags are for low shoes. COCHINEAL bags are for boots, huaraches, gladiator sandals and integral-boot fishing waders. The sisters Death and Night are not available on Sundays so please plan accordingly.

Room Service
Room service is available from ~MESA~ and J. R. C. Funkington's Doo-Wop-a-Disco. Why not try one of ~MESA~'s signature Thai-Brazilian Fireball Flautarritos with a signature $12 glass of Red Truck wine?

Spy Oh My?
Spies and undercover guests (Witness Protection, secret wizards, plutocrats) may obtain a free copy of USA TODAY and a pair of scissors if they wish to cut eyeholes out of the newspaper so that they can see without being seen in the lobby or pool area.

Guests Who Wish to be Immured in Tombs like in the end of Sophocles' Antigone
Please see the concierge and mention "total abjection," "bare life," and "the life which is exposed to death." You will be required to watch a short video in which Slavoj Zizek gestures wanly at a can of Coke Zero; this video is also available through your in-room OnDemand system. Note that inquiring about "bear life" will yield very different results.

La Quinta!
Ahh, La Quinta!

Fussy Men's Furnishings
Guests who require laid stationery, fountain pen ink, gold-plated collar stays, various scented (non-medical) lotions or shoe trees may fill out the provided card and hang it from the door. Some time during the night two fat, jolly men in frock coats will come to your room, escort you to a waste area outside of town, and stab you in the heart. There is an additional charge for this service.

Soothing Jamaican Proverbs
Jamaica is a land with a rich, expressive language. Guests may dial *08 to receive one of over 200 soothing Jamaican phrases, read in a lilting accent by Hollywood celebrity and La Quinta Guest-Ambassador Thandie Newton. ("Time longer than rope" is not available through this service; we apologize for the inconvenience.)

David Bromstad
What if David Bromstad stayed at a La Quinta destination hotel? He would be treated with the same industry-leading service with which we treat all of our guests. Rumors that Mr. Bromstad birthed a race of cruel six-fingered overmen at our Lake Havasu location are just that: rumors.

All Hail the Overmen!
From all of us at La Quinta, welcome, Magnificence! We have prepared your chamber exactly to your liking. At your pleasure a masked steward will gladly provide you with the clear soup, derived from only the freshest fruits de mer, with which you nourish your supernal body. We assure you that Craig has been fired and that the incident in March will not repeat; we admire your forbearance in listening to this distasteful but necessary news.

  • Dear Mr. Samsky, Thank you for another delightful article. Is this the place to make requests? I'm interested in purchasing a suede brush and a clothing brush, and wondering if there is any difference besides price and label from an ordinary hairbrush? Can I just buy one to do all these jobs or do I really need all these brushes? You always seem to know just what to do when it comes to making major purchasing decisions and so I thought it best to consult you first. I'll keep an eye out on Splice for an upcoming shopping guide. Thanks!

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  • Outstanding.

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  • I don't know what it is yet, but I like it.

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