Mar 17, 2011, 05:29AM

Put 'Em On The Glass

A guide to subversive car window painting.

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Spencer Bishop

The following are merely guidelines or suggestions; passive-aggressively subvert as you see appropriate.

•    A favored Whitehouse lyric of the moment.
•    A favored Narcotics Anonymous cliché of the moment.
•    “Et Al”
•    A post-modernist critique of the practice of making personal enthusiasms public by painting the windows of one’s indispensible automotive contrivance.
•    Punchlines, sans jokes.
•    A list of incidentals to pick up at the grocery store mid-week as a prelude to a more financially significant outing at the weekend.
•    Acronyms that appear inscrutable, where the significance or meaning is not immediately apparent, rendered in painstakingly precise Olde English script.
•    A solid 70 percent of car window paint abusers are the mothers of teenage jock co-eds named “Kayla” or “Jenny” or “Kylie.” This is well-documented; this is a fact. What America needs, though, is more car-window paint fetishists willing to scrawl “Go Svetlana win big at Nationals!” or “Swim like a sea otter at the Olympic trials, Xochitl!” or “Class of 2013 ROCKS we’re so proud of you Manjari!” all over the rear windshields of their late-model SUVs and environmentally-amiable hatchbacks, or maybe all over the rear windshields of the late-model SUVs and environmentally-amiable hatchbacks of total strangers. Bonus points if you aren’t actually acquainted with or related to anyone named Svetlana or Xochitl or Manjari.
•    “Just Separated”
•    A deconstructionist/Cubist rendering of any of the following images:
•    You and pals clowning around in a photo booth, high
•    Thomas Pynchon, present-day, or, alternately, a sasquatch
•    A steroidal bald eagle crying before a windswept American flag backdrop
•    The once de rigueur Black Flag “bars” tattoo
•    An assortment of wild onions
•    “JAH”
•    Rows of Russian dolls, incrementally ascending or descending in size.
•    “I’ve Spent A Lot Of Time Thinking About What To Paint Here”
•    A truncated jeremiad in which a named rival or neighbor is strongly encouraged to fail in some important undertaking, perhaps accompanied by a sketch of a voodoo doll.
•    Complex equations of a legendary or arguably mythical nature.
•    Maddeningly condescending directions that guide the reader from one room in a house to another from in the same house, though the location of the house isn’t indicated.


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