I was at the cardiologist this week getting tests; turns out I just have some kind of arrythmia, so until some asshole breaks it or pisses me off dramatically enough, I’ll live. During the EKG I heard my heartbeat for the first time, and mentioned to the young radiologist I hadn’t heard that sound since I was pregnant over 18 years ago.
She said fetal heartbeats are so much faster, and that couldn’t believe her own daughter was turning two. I can’t believe my youngest baby girl turns 21 this weekend on St. Patrick’s Day, that my first baby turns 30 next month, I thought, but didn’t say it, instead rattling off my favorite quote about motherhood: the days are long, but the years are short.
The test went on for a while because she had to do measurements and positioning. We chatted about motherhood from its opposite ends—how she once had a desire to hurry things along: “I can’t wait until she walks!” until the day came when her baby did walk, along with the realization that she’d now be forever running after her, worried she’d fall and get hurt.
I didn’t say: the ever-sinister “you just wait.” Two or three kids ago I wrote about these moms, calling them the “Topper Moms,” and now that they’re empty-nesters, one of their pastimes in addition to sharing grandchildren photos on Facebook all day is finding young women with babies to prey on and hit with unsolicited advice.
When you’re a new mom, the last thing you need a stranger telling you (because undoubtedly your mother, mother-in-law or several other friendly-fire family members are probably all simultaneously doing it) is just wait. For what? Oh, any number of things: potty training, teenagerhood, first boyfriend/girlfriend, prom—just some future event that seems ominous and terrifying to a woman who’s just trying to get her bearings, maybe some sleep, and for today’s moms (something as a consumer of only the What to Expect books thankfully didn’t have to deal with) survive a crippling barrage of social media posts and Pinterest boards of how to “do things the right way,” whatever that is.
It's a shitty thing to say to a new mom. What’s the point? Establishing some higher status in a non-existent hierarchy of motherhood? Just wait for what… rushing past this moment of joy, enjoying a sweet-smelling infant grinning up at her because you don’t have that anymore with your cranky middle-schooler who calls you “bruh” and leaves dirty socks all over the house? Lame.
I’ll stick with my motherhood “days are long, years are short” quote because it’s relatable and nostalgic. My rule is always the kindergarten rule: if you can’t say something nice, shut the fuck up.
In 30 years of being a mother, I’ve learned a thousand lessons. How about we start telling new moms: you just wait, for all the joy there is to come—of course there are tough days, but there are so many more rewards. No matter what you accomplish in this life, nothing will be as meaningful and special as the relationships with your children when they become adults.
Once they walk, all we do is chase after them, worried they’ll fall and get hurt, I thought, when she said it. That never changes. They do fall. They do get hurt. Our only job as mothers is to be there for them when they do.