Sept 2: Screams reported on the 400 block of N. Skidoo Road. Police arrived to find an unruly raccoon trapped inside the trunk of a derelict vehicle. The varmint was taken into custody and detained for disorderly conduct.
Sept. 4: Police responded to a report of an unclothed man stalking Water & Power workers at the sewer treatment plant. The bare butt bandit was pushed into a sedimentation basin by utility worker Wally Reiss. Police arrested the lurker for indecent exposure and offensive bodily hygiene. Mr. Reiss was released on his own recognizance.
Sept. 8: Police responded to Dollar Store on Zanzibar Avenue after a report of a man committing a five-finger discount in the cleaning and household supplies aisle. Officers retrieved a comb, sponge and deodorant in coat pocket of thief.
Sept. 10: Authorities responded to report of an intoxicated man feeling up a female mannequin at the Goodwill store on Stern Drive. The man was arrested for lewd behavior and lascivious assault.
Sept. 12: Tattoo artist attacked by drunken customer for inscribing wrong name on his rear end. Client wanted “Mandy;” Tattooist wrote “Manny.” After artist demanded $250 to fix the error, the customer assaulted the victim.
Sept. 13: Police responded to a report of a large pile of poop atop a garbage can on East Douglas Street.
Sept. 14: Resident on E. Hill Street reported that someone rang his doorbell and disappeared. Police arrived to find a package on the doorstep.
Sept. 16: Police responded to Halfway to Heaven Catholic Church after organist Sister Mary O’Malley reported sounds of pernicious spirits in the attic. Police searched the area but found no evidence of demonic presence. Sister O’Malley was issued a warning for engaging in potential acts of necromancy.
Sept. 18: Seymor Praxis who lives on Essex Avenue was accused by his wife of a domestic dispute after drinking in front of their parakeet. Mrs. Praxis told officers her husband was forbidden to do so because it infuriated their dog.
Sept. 19: An unknown woman filed a police report against a neighbor for breaking into her home and switching hardware in her computer with identical hardware that did not work.
Sept. 21: An unidentified local man was run over by a wayward moose while riding his bike near the corner of Sycamore Street and Honey Lane. The man was uninjured though his bike was totaled. The moose remains at large and is considered horned and dangerous.
Sept. 22: A man called local police around 8:30 p.m. to report a suspicious peanut in his backyard.
Sept. 24: Police responded to a fracas outside the Sterling Saloon when six masked men exited the bar carrying a knife, baseball bat, Billy club and rolling pin. Witness Eric Davis told police, “I knew something bad was going down when I saw the rolling pin.”
Sept. 25: A caller reported a large snapping turtle at the corner of Oak Street and Palomar Drive. The turtle fled the area undetected.
Sept. 27: Police discovered a suspicious bag of white powder in the parking lot of the Bijou Theater. The police asked anyone who lost a bag of white powder to come down to the South Field Police Department to claim it.
Sept. 28: Six raccoons were reported to be loitering near a dumpster on Main Street.
Sept. 29: Shots were heard in the area of the Angel City Shooting Range.
Sept. 30: Police responded to Oak Park where a dog was reported running loose and attacking a duck. The dog’s owner was cited for violating local leash laws. The duck refused medical treatment.