Jul 06, 2009, 06:13AM


Come on Apple, give us our porn!

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Everybody knows that the Internet is for porn. So when iPhone surfaced, it would only be a matter of time before developers and horny computer geeks everywhere came up with all sorts of ways to get porn into it. 

Last week, the Twitterverse was exploding because Apple allowed a “Hottest Girls” and “Hottest Guys” application for Jesus Phone, the first-ever soft-core “porn” program to be sold in the App Store. When I heard about that program, I totally sped to the App Store and downloaded “Hottest Guys” because, um, what better way to spend a 30-minute subway ride than by looking at hot dudes?  

“Hottest Guys” is a pretty soft-core App. Basically, when you open the program it shows you a gallery of really beautiful, ripped dudes in underwear, cut-off jeans, stadiums or whatever, and you rank them according to how sizzlin’ you think they are. To the pleasure of Puritans everywhere, there was not a cock to be found. But as promised, the dudes were definitely hot.  

And then, wham! Apple suddenly closed its ass cheeks real tight and completely pulled the App. According to an Apple mouthpiece: “Apple will not distribute applications that contain inappropriate content, such as pornography.” Am I wrong, or is that just totally whack? Should Apple allow official porn Apps, or are they impeding our Third Amendment Right to Have Access to Porn?  

I remember that the second the video iPod came out 2000 years ago, the first thing people did was put porn on it. My friend *** showed me how he managed to put a video or two onto his iPod. So obviously as soon as Jesus Phone appeared, people were scrambling to figure out how to get porn on it. Sites such as iPod.handheldpornsites.com allow you to purchase individual videos to pop on the Pod.   

The problem people have with iPorn is that everyone is terrified and stuff that folks will start watching sex in public or, perhaps, during a boring class or lecture. Sex, of course, is supposed to be secret and enjoyed in the privacy of your own bedroom and webcam.  

Let me tell you a story. A few years ago, I was going to a highly regarded school in Paris in a really expensive nabe, full of boutiques and snobby rich people. Okay, so one day I pop into the University’s computer lab to print out a paper—which was packed to the brim like all French computer labs—when I couldn’t help but notice the dude sitting right next to me. Not only was he just straight up looking at porn; he even had the courtesy to bring his own external hard drive to download the images and videos for his own enjoyment. If only Jesus Phone had existed back then, all his portable porn prayers would have been answered.

The funny thing is that no matter how tightly Apple clinches its ass on third party porn Apps, people will figure out ways to get porn onto iPhone. And they already have. I mean, if you direct your iPhone to xtube right now, you are taken to a special iPhone-ready page that you can stream videos over. Another hit iPorn site is guyswithiphones.com, which allows bros to take delicious pictures of themselves and post online directly from iPhone. 

Face it, folks: most people love voyeurism and sex, whether they admit it or not. Give them a device that is continuously connected to the Internet and has a camera? What do you expect?  

You know, it’s probably less about people putting porn on their own devices, but more about Apple distributing the porn. I guess that would make for a negative impression to the parents of teens and tweens to have direct access to porn. But they can and do access said porn on their parents’ computers, so how do you answer to that?  

If you can rent adult movies from your teeveebox, you should be able to buy porn Apps from the App Store. It’s not like Comcast or Apple produces the videos, which would be a totally different story. But to my knowledge, the availability of porn on cable hasn’t led to any crusade against that industry. And you can restrict age-inappropriate material from minors with a secret pass code, thereby protecting toddlers from downloading the Hottest Chicks Gone Wild App.  

I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with a “Hottest Girls” or “Hottest Guys” application. The porn industry is extremely well endowed, and Apple would earn a killing if they allowed these Apps. Could you imagine if Sean Cody or Jenna Jameson came out with an iPhone App? Holy shit! Apple’s servers would totally crash.  

  • The porn industry is extremely "well-endowed..." Pun intended, I assume? I think the concern about porn becoming increasingly mainstream is a legitimate one, not because pornography and open discussion (or viewing, or posting) of sex is inherently bad, but because the vast majority of porn being viewed and posted is the same old degrading, humiliating, objectifying shit. If Apple could come up with a new, more ethical porn for users to access on its new, shinier phones, well, that would be real innovation.

  • Actually, I couldn't care less about porn and where it's available. Freedom of choice. But how is it possible for you, darling, to put the words "ethical" and "porn" together? I'm curious.

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  • i don't know, i think that apple wants nothing to do with the porn industry as in, they don't want to make innovations in porn industry. i think it has everything to do with public decency and people being afraid of sex. sex is "bad" and, anyway, you're not supposed to be having it until marriage. on a side note, i've noticed that suddenly there are four free Apps about "sexy ladies" in the top Entertainment Apps. So it looks like Apple may be warming up to the idea after all. i know i'm not gonna watch any hardcore porn on my iPhone; it's just a principle.

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  • ethical porn...that's a kicker. if something like 2 girls 1 cup can become as popular as it did, I don't see porn on phones as anything absurd at all. make it rain, apple.

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