How are things going for you? Seriously, man, it's not all about me all the time, you know? OK, most of the time it is, but right now, how are things? You don't have to write in with your answer. I mean, you can if you want, but it's not necessary. Hey, I know, you can write it down right here in the space provided:
Jeez, I coulda just put another 60 lines there, and that could be my whole column this week. Damn, that's a good idea. Then I coulda just, like, went ahead and published a coupla responses right here in the column after that and I would Get Paid, kinda like I do when I print the letters people send me.
OK, look, you know what, you don't have to write anywhere, just go ahead and write it in your head, how you are doing, or say it in there (your head, in your "inside your head" voice, without talking), or fuck it, even out loud if you want, as long as it won't get you in trouble or Funny Looks on the bus or at the Bar & Grille or Jury Duty or whatever you're doing right now if you are worried about that kinda thing. But basically, I think however you are doing, and however I am doing, it's gonna get Worse, you know? That's just kinda, like, my opinion and Theory and shit.
Smell of Steve, Inc.
I just feel like They are gonna do something to either fuck everything up, or fuck everything up even more than it has already been fucked up, you know? That would be pretty Bad, yes? Again and of course I have no Hard Evidence or anything, I just got this Feeling, you know? How about you? Seriously, it's like Something Really Fucked Up is gonna happen, and I have no fucking Idea what it could be. OK, please to take a quick Opinion Poll right here:
I think things are:
ok, pretty good
totally fucked up
I think pretty soon things are gonna be:
oh, man, even more totally and completely without question so much more fucked up beyond belief than things have been fucked up previously, and not just in my memory, but, like, ever, in the whole history of all time for as long as anyone has been keeping score of when things were rotten and when things were just so fucked up that you can't even believe it, which is exactly where we're headed, you know?everything's gonna be fine, jeez, you need to relax, you're freaking me the fuck out with this "something is gonna happen" crap, and i'm starting to feel bad about my answer, seriously, what the hell is your problem, i mean, i'm not trying to be funny, but have you considered psychiatric pharms or meditation or some yoga or something? jesus christ, you know what, leave me the fuck alone, ok? great, now i'm starting to wonder. wow, thanks, ass. thanks a lot.
How did you do on my Opinion Poll? Did you win? Everybody is a Winner in Opinion Poll because there is no prize! That's a new Feature of my column, Opinion Poll, because I am trying to make it more like the Internet where they have a quiz and a Poll and, like, "interactive" stuff.
Click here please:
Did you click on the box? I know, this is a goddamn column in a newspaper, man, even with the version of this column that's on the Internet there won't be anything going on if you click that box up there. But wait, shit, OK, look, if you are reading this column on the internet, go ahead and click this box coming up. Click here: o and you might win a prize, OK? I promise, one person who clicks on the box on the Internet will win a prize someday from someplace, OK? Remember to write in and thank my column when it happens. Ooh, wait, better yet, don't click on the box yet. Did you click on the box? OK, OK, wait, here's a new box to click on:
If you click on that box, then one lucky box-clicker will never ever have anything bad happen, ever. Oh, man, I can't click on the box because I am an Employee or Relative of this Column, nuts. If you are not looking at this column on the Internet, please get a pen or crayon and make a check mark in this box here, and maybe nothing will ever happen to you, no purchase necessary:
Anyway, I have, like, no Plan, you know? I mean, I could put seven years' worth of canned food in the basement, or I could buy some gold, or move someplace Safe, figure out a way to make a lot more dough and buy an Island someplace and hire a buncha guards, or stay here and vote for the Best Candidate of My Choice, or Eat Better, or Exercise, or write my Congressman, or Donate Some Money to a Worthy Cause, or buy some really cool guns, or install a better Security System, or pray to the Deity of my choice, but basically, I'm doing pretty good, seriously, but what the fuck do I know? How are you doing?