As I lay awake and maniacal thoughts abound, sounds outside force me to realize what really grinds my gears. While I’ll am not a bitter old hag yet, I believe this eventual destination is inevitable. Let me share 10 things, in no particular order, that I hate about you and some about me.
10. When people crank the wheel of their car all the way to the left or right so that it screams. It sounds like a banshee having a baby that's pooping a truck. Nothing worse than when that asshole parallel parked in front of your house and decides to leave at four a.m. The spot isn’t that tight. Two turns and out, jerk. There is no need to slam your full body weight back and forth on the steering wheel 75 times.
9. When the person in front of you at the grocery store does not put down the item divider. That's a rule. You put it down for the person behind you. It's a common courtesy. If you don’t do it, I’m forced to believe you eat raisins because only jerks and kids eat raisins and you…sir or madam, are a jerk.
8. Any commercial that has what sounds like the Micro Machines man talk at the end. If there is a warning for anal leakage, face spasms, possible loss of limbs or a statement regarding typical results, life disruption or something comes without batteries, I should be told up front. I want to know about this.
7.The douche at the office who takes the last cup of coffee and doesn't make more. You fucking jerk.
6. Children running wild in a Ross. I am simply looking for bargain brand deals without getting hip checked by a four-year-old. Could I pick up that kid and throw him? Yes. Once in a while even I'm overcome with appropriate discretion.
5. When food touches my utensils and I get food on my hand. It's almost as if I'd just dipped my hand in a toilet full of diarrhea and kept eating again. It's the grossest feeling and just simply not up for debate.
4. When people at a four-way stop all sit there. Who got there first? Who got there second? This is not a big deal, assholes.
3. When people ask if refills are free while eating out. This is a telltale sign of the “dining out jerk.” You deserve a boot kick to the shin.
2. When people make the Bret Michaels pucker when taking a photo. You're not cute, it doesn't make you look cute and duck faces aren't even cool. You do not have Bret Michael’s lips and can’t pull it off. That face is reserved for few people, Ben Stiller being one of them.
1. Building things. I absolutely loathe building things. I would rather go to hell than buy something from Ikea. It’s as much fun as getting my period on vacation. One day, my kids are going to hate me. If they hand me anything that says, "some assembly required," they’ll get the swift "put it back."
