Feb 08, 2024, 06:27AM

A Solution for the University

A state-of-the-art AI engine that empowers both students and professors could help us reverse a half-decade of declining college enrollments.

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Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests, and future visionaries of the educational landscape, I stand before you today to introduce a groundbreaking, paradigm-shifting, absolutely revolutionary technology that’s set to redefine the very essence of academia as we know it. Imagine, if you will, the ultimate educational tool, a technological marvel that not only revolutionizes the way we teach and learn but also streamlines the cumbersome academic process of reading, writing, studying, and grading into a seamless, efficient, and—dare I say—joyous experience.

Introducing the Academic Autopilot: the future of education, today. This isn't just another ineffective, outdated e-learning platform or a student management system that costs an arm and a leg yet still carries decades of technological debt. The Academic Autopilot is an all-encompassing AI that takes the concept of education and elevates it to unprecedented heights, driving change and delivering value like a FedEx truck when those folks aren’t on one of their periodic strikes. Picture this, true believers: a world where students no longer need to write papers or take exams because the AI does it for them. And we're not stopping there—this AI doesn't just work for the students; it also grades the assignments, taking the burden off our overworked professors, especially those beleaguered, underpaid adjuncts (we see you!). That's right, it's a closed-loop system that ensures everybody’s performance is optimized.

But wait, there's more! We understand that education isn’t a one-size-fits-all affair. That's why the Academic Autopilot comes with customizable settings. It defaults to a solid C grade because, let's face it, mediocrity is the great equalizer and, as any 1980s frat bro will tell you, “C’s get degrees.” But for those who demand more—students seeking to climb the academic ladder or professors aspiring to uphold the illusion of rigor—we offer in-app upgrades. You heard correctly: with just a few clicks (and a modest four-figure financial investment), students can rise up the tiers to academic stardom as if they were climbing John Climacus’ ladder of divine ascent, while hard-assed professors looking to channel their inner Professor Kingsfield can drop a few gold doubloons and dial up the challenge. It's pay-to-play at its finest, democratizing education by allowing anyone with a credit card to achieve their dreams.

Imagine the possibilities. Students can spend more time on important activities, like networking on hook-up apps and personal branding on social media, while professors can finally focus on their largely irrelevant and unread research, free from the drudgery of grading. And the best part? As long as John Q. Taxpayer continues to cough up the do-re-mi for all these student loans and grants, this system is not only sustainable; it's a gold mine.

The Academic Autopilot isn’t just a product; it's a lifeway, a movement, a state of being, a modus ponens, a modus tollens, a WAP on fleek, the “str8 tea, sis.” It's about pushing your limits to a place where there aren’t any limits, leveraging bleeding-edge technology to free ourselves from the conventions of education that were already old hat back when our now-hated founding fathers were fighting against King George’s onerous taxes on powdered wigs, tea, and slaves. Why persist with the archaic practices of reading, writing, and critical thinking when we can automate the process, ensuring a consistent, equitable outcome for all? If you’ve got what it takes ($), we’ll take what you’ve got ($). Remember, in the fast-paced world of the 21st century, time is the ultimate commodity, and the Academic Autopilot is your one-way ticket to reclaiming it. What you do with this time is up to you, but don’t forget: Academic Autopilot comes with a cool arcade feature that gives you unlimited access to a number of Sega Saturn and Dreamcast classics, including Shenmue and Soulcalibur.

So, to educators, administrators, policymakers, and disruptors of all shapes, furry tiger stripes, and demi-sexualities: join us as we embark on this exciting journey. Together, we can imagineer the educational landscape of 2030 right here in 2024 while streamlining the previously haphazard highway to student success, and, most importantly, keeping that all-important federal money spigot flowing. Because, at the end of the day, isn't making the marks and suckers (i.e., taxpayers) subsidize a lot of frivolous makework for confused girls, boys, and otherkin what “higher” education is all about?

Welcome to the future. And don’t thank me, thank Academic Autopilot—they wrote this entire speech. If all of you tightwads chip in, perhaps we can collect enough money to upgrade its final grade to a B-. 


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