Jul 08, 2009, 11:08AM

"Gary is a 63-year-old, currently unemployed, overweight homeowner who enjoys a frequent alcoholic beverage and cigarette"

The worst landlord ever.

Overview I am making this site to chronicle the craziest living situation I have ever taken part in.  In the month that I subletted a room in this house in St. Charles (a suburb of Chicago), the police have come to the house 5 times, my landlord has been handcuffed twice, and one roommate has been hospitalized.  The focus is on my crazy landlord, Gary.  Gary is a 63 year old, currently unemployed, overweight, homeowner who enjoys a frequent alcoholic beverage and cigarette.  I believe he had bought this house with the intention of selling it for a quick profit.  This did not work out, and last I’ve heard the house is going under foreclosure in September.You can send me your thoughts on Gary at: StrangerThanEviction@gmail.com[...]

(I always get excited when a movie says its own title in the movie)At around 1am, I hear loud knocking at the door.  I go downstairs to answer the door and see 3 police officers.  They ask me if I’m Gary.  If there is anything I’ve learned from living at that house, if the police are asking, you are NOT Gary.  At this point, Gary, from the top of the stairs screams, “STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! YOU’RE NOT ARRESTING ME!” The police are waiting for some filed complaint to be confirmed before they can enter the house and arrest him.  The conversation was as follows:Gary: READ ME MY MIRANDA RIGHTS!Police: Gary, we’re not arresting you, we just need to talk.Gary: READ ME MY MIRANDA RIGHTS!  DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE MIRANDA RIGHTS!Police: (laughing) yea Gary, we know the Miranda rights.Gary: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO MY LAWYER IS?Police:  No Gary.Gary: Frankie T. ……Police: Gary, do you know who your lawyer is?  You’ll probably want to find out pretty soon.Gary: FUCK YOU! GABE, I NEED YOU TO SHUT THE DOOR AND LOCK IT!Gabe: Gary, I’m not about to slam the door in the police’s face.Gary: Who even opened the fucking door in the first place!Police: Gabe did.  Gabe, if you p;#8217;re a paying tenant of this house, you can invite us in.Gabe: Look, I’m just trying to stay out of this.Gary: Gabe did?  Well Gabe’s a moron!(I go upstairs to put on a shirt after realizing that this is going to be a long process)Gary: (standing close enough so that I can see the reds of his eyes) GABE, IF YOU DON’T SLAM THAT DOOR AND LOCK IT, YOU WON’T HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP TOMORROW.Gabe:  That’s insane Gary.  It is ridiculous for you to ask me to do that.  I’ll have a place to sleep, it just won’t be here.Police:  That’s all we need, Gary, we’re coming in, you’re under arrest for telephone harassment and solicitation of a sexual act (see note below).Gary:  Thanks a lot Gabe, Thanks a lot.  You see what you’ve done.  Look what you’ve fucking done.Police: This was all you big guy.The police handcuff Gary and take him away.Note: Gary had apparently been calling James and screaming insults about him and his daughters.  In there, I have to imagine he said something vulgar enough to count as solicitation of a sexual act.  Be that as it may, I like to think that after yelling at him on the phone Gary said something like, “James… I know we’ve been fighting a lot, but I would still really like to pay you for sex.”




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