Jan 30, 2013, 04:42AM

A Body Language Cheat Sheet

What you're doing with your hands while at Lowe's says about you, if you're a dude.

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Scratching at beard: "I love it when a plan comes together."

Hands swinging free:
"This is a low-pressure shopping experience; I'm just browsing, basically, and sales staff attempts to assist will be rebuffed genially and with self-depreciating humor."

Pulling on ear:
"So I've blown a wad and put in hours of work on an idea that, I'm learning now, is totally untenable."

Fingers making the shape of a square frame: "You may think that I'm pretending to make a film, but I'm not; rather, I'm contrasting the size of this coffin-sized safe with the height and width of my garage, which I'm incrementally transforming into a personal secret lair."

Itching balls: "I refuse to sleep, shave, or bathe until I've re-tiled the master bathroom."

Whacking support beams or shelf supports with palms, or just leaning against them: "Are we done yet? Do we have what we need? Can we check out? We're losing daylight here; I want to get back to work already."

Wiping hands on jeans: "I just knew I should've applied some Lava before driving over here."

Smacking belly: "Lunch was so satisfying I can barely walk. But, hey, you want to spend all day wandering around this mammoth airplane hanger? Sure, why not, I'm game."

Finger to lip: "Shit, there's like three billion fucking colors to choose from here."

Hands atop head or massaging forehead: "The home-improvement project I'm attempting to complete is prohibitively expensive."

Wringing hands: "How can I overcome the logistical and gravitational roadblocks this project presents without convincing this Lowe's salesperson that I'm crackers and/or winding up divorced?"

Crossed arms: "I'm a motherfucking general contractor, and I am not impressed" or "Ace Hardware has a better selection of bathtubs."

Hands in pockets: "I wish I was anywhere else but here. Anywhere."


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