When it comes to emotions, I’m a fan of saying better out than in, but when a new year is on the horizon we all know it’s out with the old and in with the new. I’m ready to embrace a “purge and pivot” mentality when it comes to many decisions in my life as I face 2024.
We live, we learn, we grow. As much as it might sound like New Year’s resolutions are for chumps, and they really are, we can maybe make choices about the types of vibes and people we want around us in the new year. We can look at the past 12 months and see what we had that we don’t want anymore.
I hadn’t even realized there was a pattern in my life where I was giving more than receiving. I gave too much. In love, I used to say you can never give too much, it’s an endless renewable resource, but now I think I was wrong. When you give love to the wrong people, and they aren’t reciprocating and don’t have your best interest at heart, your love is like a bunch of seeds that’re scattered on infertile ground: it can’t grow when it’s planted in the wrong place. I used to think love conquered all, now I know better. I don’t think being a hopeless romantic really ever got me very far.
No point in playing the victim when it comes to surviving painful relationships. They’re a lesson. You can’t blame people you loved and trusted for things ending when you’re the one who made the poor choices to trust those who hurt you. As an empath I pour and pour love, energy and time into people and this year I finally learned to see a pattern in the people I was choosing: they didn’t show up at a level I deserved. Why? Because I didn’t think I deserved the same love and energy I put in? Fuck that. I was wrong. I do deserve it. Why should I go around being disappointed by people not showing up for me, hurting and abandoning me, treating me like garbage? We get what we settle for and I’m tired of being in love with potential.
I’d rather focus on improving my relationship with myself so that I’m confident enough not to enter a relationship with anyone who doesn’t meet me at 50/50 when it comes to energy. I love the idea of having people around me who put in the same energy— because when I really care about someone, I’m a ride or die, and deserve to have people in my life who feel that way about me too, who don’t walk away because their ego is more important than the relationship. Finding a balance between your own needs and the health of the relationship is the challenge, right? Both people need to be equally committed to the success of the relationship versus caring more about their own individual needs, but many people these days definitely care most about some pretty selfish shit. The trash eventually takes itself out of our lives, and what’s meant for us stays.
I’m okay with being alone most of the time and having only a very few people around who match my energy. I know I’m a weird Gemini BPD queer witchy little unicorn. My people will find me on my tiny island. I’m thankful to have a few very high-quality individuals as friends, and in the new year will continue to practice reiki, make candles, walk the beach once in awhile, grateful for my family and my view of the sun setting into the Chesapeake Bay.
