<p class="text"><span class="subhead">"</span>Dear Bradford,<br /> <br /> <strong>1.</strong> I stole your camera, the one you used to steal a photo of me
naked drinking from my flask in your bed. It was only fair. I
developed the pictures with every intention of returning them to you
(with mine removed, of course). I was half-disappointed/half-excited to
find the roll did not consist exclusively of naked girls in your bed
looking surprised—just as I’d been when you’d ordered me to say
“Cheese!” I guess I misjudged you. They were mostly family photos. From
Thanksgiving? Your mom seems nice. Anyway, sorry about that. I like the
one of you peeing, by the way, though it came out a bit blurry. I’d had
to snap it in a hurry, worried you might turn around at any moment and
completely ruin the naturalness I’d worked to capture in the shot. I
tried to get another one of you the following morning, but you had
locked the door that time. Anyway, they are doubles—a deal at K-mart.<br /> <strong><br /> 2. </strong>I also stole five cigarettes; I wanted to smoke five at
once, like a five-pronged cigar, in the morning while you were in the
shower. I figured it was the equivalent of you stealing my last one
last week at my place before you slipped out the door. I have enclosed
five cigarettes in this package along with the photos as a gesture of
my goodwill.<br /> <br /> <strong>3. </strong>I left some breakfast for you on your coffee table: beef
jerky and Gummi Bears. Did you like it? I picked it up from the dollar
store (along with a tiny bottle labeled “Spanish Fly,” some
disappearing ink and a Whoopee Cushion) while on my way to your place
Friday, already having an idea you wouldn’t ask me to dine in the
morning. Presumptuous? Sorry if you found it so.</p>
<p class="text"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><a href="http://nypress.com/21/15/news&columns/sexcolumn.cfm">READ MORE</a></em></span></p>
Iris Smyles
date girl boy sex romance dating relationship single one night stand sorry apologize plant pee shower
<p>Art by Thomas Pitilli</p>
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<p>From the <em><a href="http://nypress.com/21/15/news&columns/sexcolumn.cfm">New York Press</a></em>: an itemized checklist apology for the most uncomfortable date you'll ever have.</p>
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an-open-letter-to-my-date-of-last-friday
2008-04-15T10:29:31-04:00
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An Open Letter to My Date of Last Friday
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2008-09-17T02:48:15-04:00
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