Jun 18, 2024, 06:24AM

The Gods Are Always Out to Lunch

They’ll crush your bones along with your dreams to bake bread, and drink the blood.

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Please wait here to be seated. There’s always a line in this joint. At this point, I don’t know why. It’s not that great; the food is lousy. I don’t think they change the deep fryer oil. It’s a greasy spoon, but a sanctuary for the faithful seeking refuge and a cup of coffee. Everything’s coated with a buttery slime. Even the coffee mugs will slip out of your hands. I guess it’s the only diner in town, across the street from the beauty salon, near the funeral parlor on the corner near the neighborhood bar that sits behind the storefront church that was originally a movie theater. Hell is always on the wrong side of the tracks. The devil is real, you say. God is dead. I asked which one you're talking about. Dogs run free; why not we, across the fruited plain?

Separating fact from fiction isn’t that easy when dealing with the God equation. Ordering the blue-plate special is a no-brainer for most spiritually starving customers, but it’s a fact that the food ingredients in the menu special are often weeks-old leftovers. What makes this dish so special? The gods insist you must eat of the body. They’ll crush your bones along with your dreams to bake bread, and drink the blood. There are too many gods demanding you make a choice.

Who knew jumbo shrimp salad on a Kaiser roll could be the stairway to heaven? You must believe the truth in advertising is a ploy to keep people in the dark about the secret recipe to discovering a spiritual life. Nowadays, all you get is a tasteless, stale communion wafer and half a shot of cheap wine. While they’re at it, let’s reenact nailing that Son of God guy to a wooden cross for all to see.

The all-merciful benevolent god or the vengeful, spite-filled angry god. Not much of a choice, but no surprise when people say they will pray for you to their godly father, who art in heaven; whatever that signifies is still a mysterious blessing. If you follow the tenets of the 10 Commandments and the golden rule like so many good Christians, I reckon you’re halfway there. All thou shall not do unto others before they do unto you leads to a life of piety and beatitude. Closer to thee, my pompous lord of lords and king of kings. Become a freaking saint. God knows who's been naughty or nice, like Santa Claus, and he ain't telling. The number of gods and goddesses across the board is impossible to measure. Considering that the vast majority of humans in the world are already dead, the odds against those still living aren’t so good.

Let’s take a head count. In Hinduism, there are millions of gods and goddesses. In Greek mythology, there are around a dozen major gods and goddesses, but many more minor deities. The Vikings of Norse mythology had dozens of major gods and goddesses. The Romans and Egyptians had thousands of godlike deities too. The pantheon of omnipotent, benevolent beings is vast, spanning millennia. I won’t bore you with Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Protestants, Baptists, Episcopalians, Satanists, agnostics, and atheists. Is atheism a religion?

From my perspective and attempted experiences of being indoctrinated by the Roman Catholic Church, there’s no way I can accept the dogma crap of cruel, sadistic nuns and drunken pedo-priests. They tried to brainwash their twisted doctrine into my young, impressionable mind. I saw through their hypocrisy quickly and denounced them early on in life. Where do you get your inspiration and insight from, if not the church and the word of that particular god and gospel? Who’s your personal savior? Remember, never eat anything bigger than your head. Some religions are less filling and more forgiving of your mortal soul's waistline. Others aren’t as easy going down. It’s hard to digest and harder to defecate. Go with the flow and choose a god who’s not holier than a constipated thou. Avoid fast-food gods who promise more bang for your buck but fail to deliver on the receiving end. Hell is other people's eating habits.

It all boils down to your sense of self-worth and how much you can swallow at all-you-can-eat buffets of divine mercy, humility, forgiveness, and love. You are what you eat with your bad conscience. Don’t be a pig at the altar of an endless smorgasbord of sinful delights. Don’t delude yourself into believing that your god is the only hero sandwich of your best dreams.

Please pass the mashed potatoes. There’s no secret sauce in the holy scriptures. It is a cheap trick to follow the herd and pretend in fairy tales. God said he’d smite you. I have it on good authority. God’s an old black woman who loves all the little children of the world. Your gods cannot set you free. It's a set-up. Eat, drink, and be merry, and pray for your mortal soul. 


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