Apr 11, 2023, 05:55AM

Fine and Dandy

There’s some concern for my well-being from well-meaning others.

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I’m okay, in the middle of revelations. Nothing close to the divine awakening rumored to occur during the dawning of the new age. Besides, that’s never happened or it already has and nobody cares. No shapeshifting doppelgänger who morphed into another version of me. In whatever reality, who I think I am, never existed. There’s a younger version of me living in Staten Island, New York. Not exactly me, or related, though we share the same name.

There’s some concern for my well-being from well-meaning others. The hubbub adds up, considering my advanced age, and naturally leads to the inevitable untimely demise rumors. More than a few friends inquired about my unknown (at least for them) situation. I’m doing great. My health status is normal. I'm not in jail, the hospital or the loony bin. Although stable, of sound mind and body, that last place is up for debate. I’m fair to middling, all things considered, I can’t complain. The usual old man maladies notwithstanding, I’m feeling pretty good. That change of scene crazy dream scheme. Happier now more than ever before.

I simply had an abrupt reversal of plans, deleting my account while simultaneously having a change of heart. Hitting the brakes, slam into low gears, pull off the main drag and disappear. Suddenly uncaring, as if by accident, or a miracle, I opted out. Weening myself off the social tit. What was seemingly important no longer was. It’s nothing personal. You can cancel your subscription to the new world order or participate. It’s a choice, to drop out or hang tough. I preferred to let it go without all the tuning in and turning on. Why keep struggling? Turn the switch off. Sometimes you just need to step back and reevaluate. Nothing personal, it’s not about you. It’s nobody’s business, but everyone needs to know what’s up. There was collateral damage. A few unintended victims were hit by friendly fire. Some plans and projects were upended, others were canceled. I don’t feel bad about. I feel relieved, no longer committed to the whims of others.

It’s hard to explain and harder to understand. I have reasons. The uncertainty surrounding life was always a question mark overhead. Not sure if any answers were solved or doubts and dilemmas but it shall be revealed soon enough. No need to shout out in the wilderness or be the outspoken advocate for the causes of noble pursuit and high art to please everyone. I folded my cards and cashed out with zero chips. Nothing tangible to show for, not breaking even. Take the chance, and all the risks, born to lose with dumb luck in a lost world of plenty for nothing. 

Did I miss something? Probably. It’s not important. No need to explain. All debts are paid. Past discretions forgiven. Future failures forgotten. The way out was easy. No one knows the treasure of my escape. Break free, away from past fears. Living in the moment at present is peace of mind in the unknown future. The window dressing of tomorrow for today’s indiscretion. What’s good now becomes old news later. It’s easy to let go, but still clinging on to the past makes for a bad experience now. Holding on for dear life’s sake isn’t worth the price.

Better to follow your gut than believe in pipe dreams. Let the heart decide what the brain wants. Sometimes you need to stop thinking and say fuck it. Erase the chalkboard and start over. Getting things done and over with. Finish up with what’s begun. Being there or not.

In the beginning, it’s always the end of something else. Pure of heart, the soul is cleansed in the blood of those who left before you were gone. And because it’s always the endless journey beginning yet again. Stop. Take a breather. Discover what new things are waiting for you inside your mind and body. A place to call home. And just like that, realize you never arrived. Cold hard facts since you’ve been gone, and never left. This place looks so familiar. You can’t hear the strange music. The bells are ringing and you can’t hear them. A lonely gargoyle sitting on your haunches, at the edge of the ledge, or on top of the world. High above it all. The little people screaming, scurrying around down below. 


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