Aug 16, 2023, 05:55AM

Cheap Thrills, Chills and Pep Pills

You’re putting words in my mouth.

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I can’t believe my own ears. You must be growing some corny cornballs. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. People descend to a new, never-ending level of stupidity. The latest degree of idiocy, the best put-downs we’ve yet to see. It’s all there to view on your big or little screens. The greatest minds of my generation cruising for burgers in daddy’s new caddy. Who said that? Some poets, whether Shakespeare or Jesus, are all the same. A rhyme, a limerick, a pun from Yogi Berra. Popes and politicians add their hooey. The Guru’s wisdom mixed with down-home Cracker-Barrel witticisms. Can you catch more flies with honey or shit? To each their own! I’ve found a bone in this place some call home. It’s a new ball game.

I'm not talking about baseball. Who famously said, “Distilled bits of wisdom which, like good country western songs and old John Wayne movies, get to the truth in a hurry.” What a crackpot of crapola. Who cares, who said that? Except for possibly the one who said it. And even they’re not saying. I was misquoted. I didn’t say that. It was taken out of context. You’re putting words in my mouth. Like a ventriloquist throwing my voice around. Did you hear what they just said? Never in my life have I ever heard such nonsense. And you’re a professional? You could’ve fooled me. Maybe you’re like Walt Whitman, traveling door-to-door salesman, purveyor of the written word. Pounding the sidewalks, knocking on doors, trying to make a living, but they knew the score.

Will Rogers said, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” Lenny Bruce said, “I never met a dyke I didn’t like.” They were both right, naïve possibly and both dead wrong. Dylan sang, “It comes with the dust and gone with the wind.” Woody Guthrie rejoiced, saying, “You don’t know the shape I’m in.” Leadbelly wailed, Goodnight Irene. But all of them agreed that they’d see you in my dreams. The stuff of dreams is a messy stew, a mucilage of sticky human glue. The world’s held together with saliva and duct tape. It can be dismantled with a screwdriver. I’ve no clue who said that. 

If I had my druthers, which I don’t believe I do, I wouldn’t misquote you. If you said it, you spread it. You can quote me on that. Off the record. This is the part where it all goes to hell.

Today's quote of the day is from Thomas Jefferson, a founding father and slaveholder, who said, “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.” What a self-delusional hypocrite Jefferson was. In fact, we can look back to ancient proverbs to find the most inconsistent examples of hypocrisy and tripe from the most extreme to the most common people throughout history. So inspirational, words to live by or completely forget. I’ll choose the latter.

Who said what, when, wherever, and why? Poets throw words around like seeds in a field. People are creepy. So are poets. It’s better to avoid them at all costs. Thicker than blood, deeper than mud. Down to gnawing bare bones. So where does that leave us from them. No better than the monsters created by well-meaning people like yourself. It’s written, handed down from generations ago until now and beyond tomorrow to the future.

Perhaps it’s written in the stars, across the universe. A message in a bottomless bottle of dark times just ahead, out of sight. A foreboding image of constellations spelling out motivational quotes from a galaxy nearby. Profound insights from nowhere about nothing. It’s in my nature to be ignorant and sensitive at the same time. Attacking while embracing the truth doesn’t mean you know what it means. It simply signifies a lack of understanding.

In God, we trust. A sermon from the mount. Preaching to disciples of most unholy faith in something or someone. A science of marginal society. A fiction in which we can learn to lie about ourselves. They say Budweiser is the king of beers, but that ain’t necessarily so. I disagree with that sentiment. That wild rollercoaster ride all over the place. A Ferris wheel going up and down, the merry-go-round going in endless circles to strange, garbled sounds of calliope music.


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