Last year I went down Brooklyn to buy some toys for my friend Blanquette. You have to understand something about Blanquette: she’s poor. She doesn’t like shopping because people judge her. They think she’s poor. They assume she’s poor. Does she “look” poor? Not if you ask me—though I’m not sure what “looking poor” would even look like. The richest men on the planet wear “smedium” suits that don’t fit and shoes three sizes too big. All of them look like victims of Willy Wonka. Then you have this little asshole in Michigan Abdul El-Sayed. Look, I understand that his positions are abhorrent and his ties to the Muslim Brotherhood and the family of Osama bin Laden are concerning from a national security standpoint, but mostly I don’t like the guy because he pouts like a baby and dresses like a fag. I don’t mean to be rude, one love to all the gay people, I’m using it in the South Park way. Y’all been done known what I mean when I call someone a fag but lemme just spell it out for anyone who’s a bit slow on the uptake: his shirts are too tight.
You may have heard of the magic shop that I had such a horrendous experience at last year. It’s called Art of Play, and it’s in Brooklyn, New York, and that’s pretty much all you need to know. I can confirm that Kelly Clarkson was telling the truth: the owners of the store are rich magician assholes. I tried speaking with one of the owners (the FAGGOT with the hair and the beard), but rather than assisting me, they assaulted me with a broom and tried to beat me to death. I only got out alive because I spur-clawed an innocent bystander (my b) and left a lot of blood on the sidewalk out front. I think they reported it as a “hit-n-run homicide” to milk some publicity and bring attention to their store.
See? There’s a pattern here. Never trust a magician.
I saw the infamous mechanical Singing Bird that Clarkson wanted to purchase; I can confirm that “Molly” (not a bird, a machine, very different) was listed for sale and priced at $12,000. Did they get hit with some kind of fine for how they treated me? Does Zohran Mamdani have a grudge against magicians? Or was Art of Play just trying to FUCK ME like all of their other customers? I thought it was admirable that Clarkson (a future friend) put back all the items she was going to purchase before being condescended to by the magician owner. I bet he tried to shoo her out with a broom, too (Ed: the co-owner of Art of Play didn’t try to “shoo” Kelly Clarkson out of the store with a broom, but CCTV footage does reveal that he was quite rude to her).
I’ve been having a blast watching Art of Play get dragged through the global gauntlet. They deserve every bit of negative attention they get, and for all those crying “DEATH THREATS!” and “SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS!” and “KELLY CLARKSON IS PUTTING US IN DANGER!” Let me just say that I have NEVER advocated for political violence. I don’t support pop cultural violence, either. The left wing (not mine) has gotten way too enthusiastic about assassinating their enemies lately, and I feel it’s my duty to let you know that those who claim to be the most “in danger” from “death threats” are the kind of people who send in death threats in the first place. I mean really, what kind of person sends someone, let alone a business, a death threat? It’s extremely faggy behavior, and very Muslim as well. Remember that next time you draft up some anti-Semitic nonsense about how the Jews are poisoning the food and making you rape children. How is any of that MY problem? Mood. And they expect us to sing…
The unfortunate thing is that Art of Play is going to benefit from this; they fucked around and are finding out now that the white hot glare of international news is too much for them to handle. That’s okay: they’ll keep selling those repulsive mechanical Singing Birds (the lawn jockeys of my species), and moron hipsters in Brooklyn—or more specifically, Dumbo. “Dumbo.” Imagine living in a place called “Dumbo.” No wonder New York City is falling apart: you’ve got a subversive mayor, a corrupt governor, enough criminal migrants to man at least three pirate ships, and mustachioed hipsters with the politics of 2016 and the taste of 2012. NEWSFLASH: Barack Obama is out of office. And guess what? He’s GAY!!! How’s that for a fucking song?
—Follow Monica Quibbits on Twitter: @MonicaQuibbits