May 03, 2010, 06:14AM

Because We Haven't Seen Everything

Take 5 mins and the internet can make you think everyone, everywhere is insane.

This week, the air, Facebook and general pub chatter has been abuzz with the story of  the blood-related grandmother and grandson who are having a romantic affair. Since that alone can’t go outdone, they’re also expecting a child. Of course, Memaw is 72 so she is not the actual vessel carrying what I’m sure will be the fine specimen of a love child from her 26-year-old grandson.

No sooner had I finished this story than I happened upon one of a chef in Sichuan, China who died from an eel in his ass. Sure, this is a familiar tale...sort of. In the event someone passes out drunk, plenty of twentysomethings, like the ones before them, stack furniture on each other and write “douche” on one another’s faces. It’s not often, though, that I hear of a 59-year-old man having his bowels devoured by an eel because he passed out drunk and his “friends” thought it would be funny to put an eel in his rectum.

Earlier this month, a 21-year-old Phillies fan intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl at a ballgame. Her father confronted the “man” for his swearing and behavior and well, he stuck his fingers down his throat and let it go on the daughter. I’m up for swearing and puking but even I have my limits.

Granted, the Internet is the official source for the most ridiculous, disgusting and heartwarming things you’ve ever seen, but I’m starting to think that real life is a page out of The Onion every time I read the news.

Octomom and Balloon Boy. I’m not sure what to think about humanity when I run across these stories anymore and can only grab a drink and brace for what’s next. I’ve seen a lot of things. Midget tossing, a man in a banana suit passing out blank pieces of paper, Helen Hunt drunk and a cowboy monkey that rides a collie and herds sheep. Now, I’ll take my seat and wait for the worst things I’ve ever heard to outdo themselves.


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