Apr 17, 2009, 07:01AM

Mr. Wrong: Kill Tax

In which our patriotic columnist gives, I don't know, maybe one thumb up for taxes.

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I seriously do not mind paying taxes. That is the conclusion I achieved after several minutes of Deep Introspection on the topic of being Taxed, which I thought about a lot on yesterday, I think it was, when I went for the extension on filing my fucking taxes. I’m pretty sure it was yesterday. Whenever the fucking taxes are supposed to be filed, that’s when I extended on that shit. I’m all about deadlines, see?

So it’s like, for reals, I don’t mind paying taxes, I fucking pay taxes all the time, when I buy cigarettes, or enjoy my favorite Legal Beverage, or go out “on the town,” as it were, to partake of the diverse and varied Cultural Entertainments my fair city has to offer in Legally Licensed places of entertainment, when I pay the bill for my fucking Cellular Wireless Telephony Device to summon a taxicab livery to transport my ass from aforementioned Entertainments to the relative comfort and security of my Castle, when I settle up with the cab driver on the fucking fare tick-tick-ticktickticking with cab fare and some more taxes, when I register my fucking automobile so’s I can drive it legally, when I drive said automobile on a motherfucking Controlled-Access Superhighway such as the Garden State Parkway—where I still get in backups because I never get around to getting the stupid E-Z-Pass or whatever it’s called so I can drive through the correct chute without slowing down as much as non-E-Z-Passers—or that piece of shit wallet-vampire highway in Delaware where you go like, no fooling, 11.5 miles and you pay four fucking dollars?!? Can you believe that shit? I mean, there’s a way you can turn off right before the toll and drive around it, but then one is no longer on a fucking Controlled-Access Superhighway where one may drive fast, you know? I don’t want to get off the fast road and deal with traffic lights and shit, and They fucking know it. It is on the Highway Robbery, as opposed to Piracy, because with Pirates, you don’t have a choice. They fucking come in on boats and jump on to your vehicle and hostage you and shit, and that’s a Crime, even in International Waters or whatever, OK?

A lotta people thought these recent tales of Pirates around the Horn of Africa were kinda cute or maybe even like, the Pirate-dudes were sorta Noble, scratching out a living jacking boats and getting Ransoms until they hijacked one of Our ships, as in U.S., and then it got Real and the Navy SEALS wasted three of the Pirates to get back that Captain guy, who is a pretty Hardcore motherfucker for volunteering to be held hostage by the fucking Pirates, and for a minute there was this whole anti-Pirate thing that somehow immediately turned into like, this deal where people are all “those guys aren’t Pirates, they are Thugs,” because for some reason we gotta protect the image of Pirates of the fucking Caribbean, right? Like, Pirates are cool! They go “Arrh,” and have a parrot or a Monkey, and they are like, Archaic, and speak Ye Olde English, possibly with the Cockney Accent, and they are of course mostly Caucasian, right? Yeah, that’s where this whole protecting the good name of Pirates is coming from, man, totally just a wee bit of the Racism there, mixed in with a whole bunch of grownups who like to be Pirates for Halloween and shit but now it’s too Real, and now most people who dress up like pirates don’t look like any fucking Real motherfucking Pirates, see? So it’s like those Real Pirates aren’t even any kind of self-respecting Pirates of the Caribbean Pirates, they are simply Thugs, right? Arrh, my ass, faux-Pirate people! Don’t let Reality stop you from playing at Pirates, seriously. Just fucking Own the fact you are playing Old School Pirates, and that there are New & Improved Pirates out there fucking with people, that’s all. The Ye Oldde Pyrates did the same shit, only they did it a long time ago, so it’s OK, alright? Avast, and shit; I saw two of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and they were a bit of fun, aye, mateys. The second one kinda dragged, but I liked the guy with the octo-face, Davey Jones. I never saw the third one, but I have it in my Cable Teevee Recorder Thing, and as soon as I get done watching all the Generation Kill episodes I got in there, I might watch that for some Yo-Ho-Ho comical relief, you dig? It’s like, my Tax Dollar(s) paid for all the Military Action that was required for somebody to make a book about The Iraq, which was then made into some Home Box entertainment for me to sit on my ass and watch when I shoulda been filing my fucking taxes, you know? It is the Military Industrial Complex’s Great Circle of Taxation and Entertainment, and I do not have any fucking illusions, see? My Tax Dollar(s) also paid for at least three bullets to kill those Pirates who jacked that boat, and I don’t mind paying my taxes, OK? Mostly? Tea party, my ass.

I just don’t want to pay more than I gotta, OK? It is my Right as an American to figure out as many Legal ways as possible to get my taxes down to as little as possible, and I’m all about it, me timbers, I just need a wee bit more time to walk the gangplank down to Davey Jones’ Locker, so I extended on that shit so I could figure out more deducticals. I totally forgot to get a receipt for the fucking bag of M&M’S I bought for my recent exposé of anti-brown M&M activity within the M&M’S factory, but I have lotsa other receipts from stuff I needed to buy last year to make money as a Writer, har! Arrh! I know all about stealing, me buckos! Arrh! Harrh! Ack!


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