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Sep 26, 2008, 06:55AM

I’m So Bored At Work

Forest Casey

Please help a professional who can’t find anything to do at his job.

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Luis Fabres

I've been having some problems at work lately. Maybe you can relate.

Without going into too much detail, I've been having some trouble destroying the Soulstone I picked up after slaying Mephisto, Lord of Hatred deep in the jungles of Kurast. Now, I know that I need to crush Mephisto's Soulstone in the Hellforge with the Hellforge Hammer (everyone knows that) to prevent Mephisto from reuniting with his younger brother, Diablo.

But I'm just having such a tough time finding the darn Hellforge. I mean, I've been up and down the entire River of Flame—I've even gone past Archangel Tyrael into the Chaos Sanctuary and activated the Five Seals (summoning the Lord of Chaos—Diablo himself)! I'll tell you, I teleported back to the Pandemonium Fortress about as fast as I could. I mean, I know as well as anyone that you can't just confront Diablo without first destroying Mephisto's Soulstone.

So I had to guide Grog, my level 26 Barbarian, up and down the River of Flame, just to make sure that I hadn't missed anything. And sure enough, there it was—in the one corner of the mini-map that I hadn't explored.

After a few too many health potions, Hephasto the Armorer was dispatched and with him went the cursed Soulstone. But then I had to wade back through the damned river and slay all of the demons in Chaos Sanctuary—again! One full day of work gone faster than an Amulet of Warding after you find a Strong Amulet of Warding (if you know what I mean).

I swear it, these demons are so ponderous to fight that I fear even Grog is growing bored. And so am I.

I'm through with playing Diablo II at work. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like work will be picking up anytime soon, so I'm stuck in a bit of a rut.

That's why I'm asking for your help: Give me some direction. Over the next week, I'll do almost anything—write a Zombie novel, watch 50 documentaries, play more video games, make huge art collages, read the collective works of David Foster Wallace, write a wall post to every single one of my 500 friends on Facebook, drink beers at work.

Post your suggestions in the comments section, we'll vote on the best one over the weekend and on Monday, I'll get down to some real work.
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    Alison777

    commented

    Well, who isn't bored at work? Not everyone, of course, especially those in the financial industry, poor saps. Unfortunately, my job involves standing up and I don't have access to a computer, except on breaks. Like now!

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    Greenlight

    commented

    Hmm. Aside from the atrocious taste of mentioning DFW, so soon after his death, and the obvious suggestion of drinking 50 beers at work, I'd try to conquer the crossword puzzles in the leading British papers. They're hard and would take research.

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    Iris

    commented

    Read the OED from A-Z.

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    TableMountain

    commented

    Yes, indeed, Iris, good suggestion. Although in keeping with tradition, I'd say read the OED from A-Zed. Also, Forest could devise an alternative game to ping-pong, an invention that free him from the burden of desk work.

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    Forest

    commented

    Are we not allowed to talk about DFW at all? I wasn't aware of that. Reading the OED has already been done (and written about). I think it took Ammon Shea about a year to read, but I'm up for it.

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    TableMountain

    commented

    Mind your manners. All DFW chatter is, for the time being, gauche, at least in my opinion. Others disagree, believing, not without merit, that a whole new set of readers will become acquainted with his impressive body of work. I just think it's a little ghoulish.

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    Forest

    commented

    I think a lot of the people who have been reading DFW in the past few weeks have been reading him with a sense of guilt for not reading him sooner rather than out of a rubbernecking voyeurism. I suggested it because (1) I haven't read all of his work and (2) I knew it would be tough.

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    Hunchback

    commented

    If you're up to the challenge, and don't eat breakfast, how about reading every issue of Esquire from 1980 on. That'll give you an appreciation of hypocrisy, wanton greed, cronyism journalism, really ugly design, and perhaps an understanding of why magazines like Esquire will soon be relics just like Time and Newsweek are now.

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    Iris

    commented

    You didn't say originality was essential to the challenge. Ok, then, fill all the staplers with ketchup.

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    paul

    commented

    You could spend your days clicking on the fine advertisements on Splice Today.

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    Forest

    commented

    I actually like Esquire - especially the Esquire of late (though the 21ST CENTURY BEGINS NOW issue is a bit much) so I would be curious to see if the back catalogue would make me change my opinion.

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    Hunchback

    commented

    Whoa. Totally different story. You lost respect points. What could possibly make you even regard Esquire with a scintilla of respect? Is it the advice on where to buy a proper set of toe and nose hair clippers? The design layouts for $3500 suits? Or the babes on the cover?

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    Forest

    commented

    (1) Not firing Chuck Klosterman. (2) Employing Tom Junod and A.J. Jacobs and Tom Chiarella (3) Publishing stories by an author I can't mention without being gauche.

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    Hunchback

    commented

    Chuck Klosterman's a joke--not a joke in the same league as Keith Olbermann or Sean Hannity, but a joke--and it's depressing you read him. Junod's best work was behind him when he contracted by Esquire. And, as Andrew Sargus Klein pointed out earlier this week on Splice, the magazine has a very shaky grasp of serious journalism.

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    Forest

    commented

    Well, that still leaves Jacobs and Chiarella and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. And three good writers = a scintilla in my book.

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    PumpkinTime

    commented

    This article was hilarious and straightforward. Great job. I recommend I Can Has Cheezburger, Not Always Right, and of course Splice Today.

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    martywombacher

    commented

    This is what I do when I'm bored at work, I page people from the movie Glengarry Glen Ross. For example: "Sheldon Levine, call 461, Shelley call 461." Nobody gets the joke and to me that's what make it so much fun.

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    Eatsmacoroni

    commented

    Wow. Is it just me or are all these suggestions really boring? If you can get away with videogames at work, I'd say go for it, install a WII or something. All you gotta do is hook up TV to your cubicle, and that's not hard, right? Well, seriously, there are some good portable games, both for the DS and PSP. Then, if you don't like that idea, how about some comic books, you might want to read up on Watchmen before the movie comes out. HULU also has a lot of free TV shows you might want to check out. Heck, try to read every page on Wikipedia, that might be fun. Or, if you have a camera, make a stop motion film. Or claymation. Or start a blog. Or try to eat every burger at jack in the box. Or in and out. Or get an RC car and drive it around your office. Or install a mini basketball hoop in your office and work on free throws. But these are just some ideas, oh, and great article, loved the opening.

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    Timothy

    commented

    Maybe, instead of wasting your time, you could seize the initiative and strongly suggest to your boss that he's wasting your talent.

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    Valerie Cherish

    commented

    Read an article by Russ Smith... It takes a few hours to get through one of those... I also highly suggest Jib Jab "sendables"... I keep a personal dictionary for all of the made up words that our janitor says, we call them "Kenny-isms"... Going through your exes photobucket pictures is kinda fun. I once peed my pants at work... Watch The Office online... Look for other jobs... Write the word "poop" on all of the white boards in the office, and blame it on someone else... Order a bunch of office supplies that you don't need on the companies P-Card then sell them on EBay... Make a fake Wikipedia listing for "Administrative Professionals Day" and have it listed as tomorrow, and put it in your bosses inbox (be sure to highlite the "appropriate gifts" section). Play Chuzzle. Make an evite for a pretend party, and invite everyone in your office but the people who you don't like, so that they know you really don't like them and then deny that you ever sent anything out... Make brownies in the microwave. Label everything at your desk with your name on it. Fart. Everytime you have an office meeting, fix the bosses chair so that it is lower than everyone elses. Put tape all over your nose. Nominate your self for Employee of the Year (I was third runner up!)... And, "accidentally" forward calls to your boss that you know he does not want to take.

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    Marianna

    commented

    you could learn a foreign language. you could write a fantasy screenplay, and hire a fantasy cast and crew, and fantasy scout for locations. you could do drugs. you could write and send hand-written letters to all of your friends back home. you could cut your own hair, give yourself a foot massage, and tweeze your eyebrows all in one sitting. <3

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