Dear Love Rug Spokesmodel: Please settle a long-standing bet between my husband and me. He bet me that I would forget what our bet was about before I could complete this letter and put it in the mailbox. I, meanwhile, bet him that I would remember, and that your response would be characteristically charming and insightful. A dinner at the Sizzler is riding on this. Also, please let little Timmy know that the dialysis machine Grandpa and I got for his birthday will be a couple days late in getting there. —Bookie-Bound in Boise
Dear Bookie-Bound in Boise: It’s almost like having another lover there with the two of you.
Dear Love Rug Spokesmodel: Given the strong likelihood that the Earth will be sucked into a black hole within the next few thousand years, provide an airtight justification for not filing a 2014 tax return in 15 words or fewer. —Stingy in Cincinnati
Dear Stingy in Cincinnati: Only $150 in your favorite fur texture!
Dear Love Rug Spokesmodel: An unanticipated windfall recently fell into my lap, but I’m at a loss as to how to make the money work for me. How would you recommend that I invest this fat wad burning a hole in my pocket? —Loaded in L.A.
Dear Loaded in L.A.: As you stroke, it strokes. For quick delivery, credit card holders call toll-free.
Dear Love Rug Spokesmodel: It’s been difficult for me to hear clearly of late—there’s a lot of ringing—and I’m worried than three decades spent working in a noisy machinist’s shop may have taken their toll. Please convince me I’m just paranoid after that 60 Minutes expose about OSHA violations. —Deafened in Denver
Dear Deafened in Denver: Hey, here’s an 8-track of me socking it to your old lady on top of five Jaguar Love Rugs, all at once, at a Motel 6 she paid for using your already overdrawn credit card, Mac. Sure, you want to kill me now, but you forgot all about the ringing, am I right? You mad, bro?
Dear Love Rug Spokesmodel: Realistically speaking, in your expert opinion, what are Hillary Clinton’s chances in the 2016 U.S. presidential general election? Give me something I can make book on. —Civic-Minded in Miami
Dear Civic-Minded in Miami: Civic-Minded, I like you. I like the cut of your jib. Every week you send me a letter like this one, allowing me a much needed break from laying here on this spotted leopard patterned Love Rug and honing my “smoldering bedroom eyes” look to consider more substantive matters, to flex the muscles that help me prognosticate instead of the muscles that garner me way, way more loose trim than I can possibly begin to coordinate. So I’m going to level with you, Civic-Minded—Hillary’s gonna walk away with this thing. The election is hers to lose! Who’s going to step to the Hil, man? She was married to a guy who was president of the United States of America! For eight years! And everybody loved him! And she is so smart and pragmatic and knows how to shoot a dynamite selfie! I mean, case closed.
Dear Love Rug Spokesmodel: I’m going out with the girls for a no-holds-barred night on the town. Big question I hope you can help out with: panties or no panties? —Frisky in Frisco
Dear Frisky in Frisco: Only another animal of its stripe could tell it wasn’t real fur.
Dear Love Rug Spokesmodel: Which white wine vintage best complements a McDonald’s Asian salad? —Vining in Venice Beach
Dear Vining in Venice Beach: You’re a contemporary trend-setter, clearly, and as such you hardly need me to tell you that all the cutting-edge Venice Beach hipsters consume Dollar Menu fare ironically alongside brimming snifters of Clorox bleach; The More You Know, etc.
—Ask A Love Rug Spokesmodel is a syndicated column that appears in 50,000 newspapers worldwide.