Splicetoday

Consume
Sep 24, 2008, 05:34AM

The Capital of Fashion Disasters

A weekend in D.C. sends Manhattanism through the roof.

Dc.jpg?ixlib=rails 2.1

Photo by ~MVI~.

If you commit a fashion crime you will burn in Washington, D.C. where all the fashion convicts go to sizzle in oversized khakis, polo and un-ironic fanny packs.

I’m ordering French fries at a kiosk on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. The beautiful cashier is clearly very smitten by me, as if she wants my digits or something, but I don’t want to have to tell her I’m really just not that into poonaynay. She tells me my total, then goes: “Oh you’re not from around here. People don’t dress like that here. Where are you from?” For the record, I’m wearing skinny (what else?) dark purple pants, a white V-neck and these black sunglasses with a fluorescent yellow rim.

I’ve only been in D.C. for six hours now and five people have asked me where I’m from. I’m not exactly sure how they’re expecting me to respond. Maybe this?: “Hay, Girrrrrrrrrl! My name Chandelier and honey I’m from the land of Sashaying Bottoms!!!”

I didn’t like take offense or anything. I just think she was so excited to see somebody interesting that she almost passed out, and I don’t blame her.

After three days in the nation’s capital I can tell you that I saw a whopping three potentially interesting people. Three. My Cuban heels and I paraded through comatose neighborhoods such as Georgetown, Adams Morgan and U-Street, which are supposed to be the hippest of the hip. But actually? No. All the girls wore the same little black slutalicious dress matched with the appropriate Fuck Me Pumps, and all the guys wore the same size XXXXXXXL white button down with blue stripes, tucked out and worn to conceal their beer-belly and paired with size 48 jeans. The really sad thing to me was that the fashion was just as boring as the architecture. Aside from the calculated and pompous national monuments, there were practically no interesting buildings, no interesting people. Not even the gays were interesting.

SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!

I’ve heard that D.C. sucks because it’s the capital of America the unfashionable. I’ve also heard it sucks because of the huge number of liars (lawyers), politicians and Bitch-terns. Everybody has to be boring because everybody works for a senator, or knows a senator or somebody high in politics, so it’s like they have to dress like they’re at work even when they’re out looking for a piece of ass. My friend once told me that he went out to a homosexualist bar and struck up a disastrous convo with this hot (but boring) guy. It went like this:

“What do you do?” the Washingtonian Gay asks.

“I’m a grad student at Harvard. And I write fiction on the side,” Gay # 2 says.

Washingtonian gay: “Oh...” and then excused himself.

It’s almost like any creative activity at all is frowned upon in D.C. In New York, everybody is a writer/has a book deal/plays in a band/is an “artist.” In D.C., being creative seems a major cock block.
 
But you know, I didn’t always think D.C. was boring. My very first exposure to the triangle was something like 10 years ago. I was in high school and got this six-week orchestral residency fellowship with the National Symphony Orchestra. I still remember arriving and thinking that D.C. was the cat’s pajamas. Man, I thought, I was down the street from the White House, a few blocks from Georgetown, next door to this cool mall type place. When all the other geeks in my program were practicing, I was out being as fierce as possible. My most recent visit showed me, however, that there’s more to a hip city than a bustling club scene.

People too often think that what makes a city hip or cool is its nightlife. Do people go out? Where do they go out? I mean, yeah, nightlife is a small part of it. And there’s certainly a lot of nightlife in D.C. When I walked around the “hip” neighborhoods, there were tons and tons of people outside the bars and in the restaurants and a lot of activity on the street. But there was no zest. No pop. No UMPFH. There was, as my grandmomma would say, “No Lawry’s up in there.”

The thing that I believe tells you, “Alright, this place is DOPE” is how people express themselves through style. The ultimate proof that D.C. is boring is that there are two American Apparel stores. Hahaha!!! New York City has 21. If people feel comfortable enough to be kooky, i.e. shop at American Apparel, it tells you that there’s an edgy or underground culture. It means there’s an art scene, a music scene, really, any scene at all. D.C. seems to have no scene. Just family-oriented yet closeted gay Republican politicians who secretly pop their male interns.

I admit that I suffer from Manhattanism—the belief that Manhattan is the center of the civilized universe. And it is. That said, I’ve been lucky enough to live in or visit a lot of different places—L.A., London, Paris, Milan, Chicago, San Francisco, Zurich—and these places all share the idea of the street as a spectacle. The benefit of Manhattanism is that you begin to appreciate this culture of walking, the culture of the street, using the sidewalk as your runway, and you style yourself accordingly. That’s why there’s no Sartorialist in D.C. Ain’t nothing to Sartorialize!

When I climbed out of the train at Penn Station in New York, within seconds I saw this super fierce bitch in HUGE red-framed nerdy glasses, long, teased out “I-Just-Had-Sex” hair, a very short peach dress that looked kind of like a night gown, a shrunken blue blazer and pointy brown stiletto booties. She was a walking American Apparel ad. I wanted to have sex with her as my Welcome Back to New York treat.

Discussion
  • I've never read anything else by Mr. Moore, and don't really plan on spending any more of my time doing so, but I thought I'd toss a quick question out - Does his horrible, cringe worthy, self-important prose always tread the line between incoherence and self-parody? A city's scene is defined by how many American apparel stores it has (Which apparently was such a brilliant observation that it required the author to actually INSERT THEIR OWN LAUGHTER LAUGHING? That throw away line about the cashier who wants to have sex with you? The vomit-inducing spin through the many amazing cities the author has been to? Reading this article has been like watching a video of a partial birth abortion. Sweet Christ.

    Responses to this comment
  • Good for MusicalSocrates for defending his city, but in my opinion, Madison Moore is dead-on about fashion in D.C. It's sort of a trivial matter, but DC is a horror to visit just because of all the self-important lawyers, lobbyists, Congressional aides, etc., all seemingly dressed in matching trench coats, box suits and repp ties. I do disagree with Moore, however, about the architecture of D.C., which I find stunning. Manhattan has its own architectural wonders, but how could Moore take a look at the Jefferson or Lincoln Memorials and not drop his jaw?

    Responses to this comment
  • OK, DC native here. First off, I have to call "no fair" on the "un-ironic fanny pack" line, since that's equating the hoards of tourists that can and will clog all DC neighborhoods with the rest of the city. No, there will never be a Sartorialist in DC, for all the reasons you enumerated. It's a conservative, buttoned-up town. The fashion capital is found in blue and gray suits. Nothing else. The only real objection I have, Madison, is the shot at DC's architecture. Calling it boring is just systematically untrue. It's not Manhattan, sure, but did you go off into the residential parts of Dupont? Of Georgetown? Or the parks on U Street? I'm getting defensive, I think, but props for calling out the hot-off-the-factory press automatons.

    Responses to this comment
  • To clarify; I'm not defending DC. Fuck DC. I'm a transient and likely more familiar with all the shitty parts of DC than anyone. I'm defending the English language and the essay form from an individual who seems hell bent on raping it.

    Responses to this comment
  • "For the record, I’m wearing skinny (what else?) dark purple pants, a white V-neck and these black sunglasses with a fluorescent yellow rim." Is wearing a page out of an A Apparel catalogue really that fashionable? Overall, I found this article not only poorly written, but bland. I think anyone living in DC is willing to admit that they don't come close to owning the award for most fashionable city. Also, I'm glad that someone finally told me that NYC is different than DC. Finally, while NYC is certainly full of creativity and innovative design, a walk through ANY part of the big apple will reveal plenty of atrociously obese and unappealing characters. As far as zest, umph, and pop go. I sure wish I had some. Maybe they sell it at the street down the store that stocks truth serum. Please don't post another article like this again.

    Responses to this comment
  • Ok, let me back up. I don't mean that DC architecture is uninteresting. Of course I found places like the National Gallery of Art, Georgetown brownstones, the Corcoran, the White House, all the various memorials, etc. that was all very stunning, obvi. I was more thinking of the contemporary buildings. In fact, I saw the red brick building that's on the cover of this article and it was my favorite thing there. I don't think I saw a single interesting contemporary building, but maybe I missed out?

    Responses to this comment
  • MusicalSocrates: Why so serious? I am sorry that my sarcasm/light heartedness about everything is a difficult pill to swallow. I don't take anything too seriously. There are too many good outfits to wear.

    Responses to this comment
  • Your tone isn't hard to "swallow," it's just incoherent. It's not that this article is light hearted and fun, it's simply worn out and tired.

    Responses to this comment
  • OK, point taken in regard to modern architecture. There isn't a whole lot of it (at least, the good kind) in DC. Perhaps it's not a city best suited for cutting-edge stuff, but it more than makes up for it in neo-classical, classical, gothic, Victorian...

    Responses to this comment
  • Will, are you in a crummy mood today? Moore's writing is not incoherent by any means. It also happens to REALLY funny. I'm with you on the knock on American Apparel--horrendous clothing--but slamming NYC for having "obese" people? No shit. The whole country does, city, town or pre-fab development. And Moore is certainly correct in figuring out that there's a serious lack of humor in DC.

    Responses to this comment
  • Of course I'm not in a crummy mood and I was using NYC as an example to express that there are obese people across the country - not just in dc,but in nyc, atl, dallas, wherever. and yes greenlight, we must have different senses of humor, but I'm sincerely glad that someone enjoyed this article. No Shit? there's no need to get so fired up like that on a message board.

    Responses to this comment
  • Will, you said "Please don't post another article like this again." I'd say that's "fired up."

    Responses to this comment
  • To some, D.C. might be a fabulous place to live. Knock your socks off. My only commentary is that the city is completely unfashionable. No street culture; no POP or WOW. That's all I'm sayin', peeps. And about my writing style, I don't give a flip about prose or proper essay form or grammar or The English Language. I write what I feel and that's that. :)

    Responses to this comment
  • Regarding not "giving a flip." Perhaps your next piece should be made up solely of emoticons. Why get the English Language mixed up in your agenda at all. What has writing to do with language anyway?

    Responses to this comment
  • TLC: I think I hear the sarcasm. But that aside, an emoticon piece would be high-larious. I don't have the moxie to do it; LOLz.

    Responses to this comment
  • Moore needs to get out more, so to speak, if he wants to write about architecture. Besides the flavorful neighborhoods - even if more doesn't like that flavor - there are the almost Orwellian national monuments. And no one I know ever pretends DC is some sort of fashion capital - least of all the peeps who live there - so enough already about the skinny jeans (what else?). It's your sophomoric style, Mr. Moore, that I find insufferable. I, too, have been to London, Paris, and Milan....when I was in high school. Get back to us when you've visited Montevideo, Bilbao, or Shanghai, or somewhere a little more "un-ironic." As for your posts defending your piece, understand that you have been published and your audience expects an "UMPPHF" factor, and don't expect us to applaud the tenor for clearing his throat.

    Responses to this comment
  • DC is full of tourists, just like every other major metropolitan city on the planet. It's to be expected. Even the hippest places have their lame parasites, and one shouldn't judge a city's merit on their fanny pack loving tourists.

    Responses to this comment
  • Neat-o homophobic jab there, pbsc. As we're dropping names, I've been to Seoul, Santiago, Caracas, Sicily and Manila, none of them ironic (and after high school). And I'm certain that Moore, were he to travel to those place, or Montevideo, Bilbao or Shanhai, would come back with an article that was just as humorous. Maybe you should stick to The New York Review of Books, pbsc. Moore's writing is far from sophomoric, which is more than I can say for some of tut-tutting jibes taken at him.

    Responses to this comment
  • Re: Hunchback (12:10 am) Homophobic jab? LOL I'm gay.

    Responses to this comment
  • I think most people adopt a uniform eventually. Whether it be hip cigarette pants or sweats and a t-shirt. It makes it easier to get out of the house in the morning. I used to care what I wore, but then life hit me and I realized that I had a limited amount of time to do everything. Not thinking about clothes frees a few moments to think about my work.

    Responses to this comment
  • OK, so as I was reading this I found myself getting all prickly like a porcupine...until I remembered what I had said to a friend of mine when I was in NYC just about 48 hours ago: "You cannot compare NYC to DC. It is comparing apples to oranges. It's ridiculous." So that's the first thing - people need to stop comparing NYC to DC; they are two entirely different cities. I was just up in NYC for a couple days visiting a friend and I love the place. It's such a shot of energy. But whereas NYC is great for a weekend jaunt, DC is my HOME, and since this article is about style, DC is also my STYLE. There are plenty of funky little places around DC. I live in Adams Morgan and I love it here. So, take this article for what it is - an opinion piece. And stop comparing DC to NYC!

    Responses to this comment
  • I think blprentice puts this into proper perspective. I'm a Manhattanite, love New York and of course comparing the city to any other in the country is apples and oranges. I don't especially like DC, but it's certainly no cultural backwater. You could, and I have, spend days looking at the museums and monuments. And maybe it's corny, but when I get off the train at Union Station (which makes Penn Station in NYC look like the pit it is), I still get a thrill seeing the Capitol.

    Responses to this comment
  • Here's the thing about DC - once you've established a distinct tradition, be it in fashion or architecture, it's difficult to just uproot it for a fad. Actually, it isn't just difficult - it's disrespectful. Part of the beauty of DC is that its citizens still do button themselves down. They do this because they want to acknowledge that their work (running the country) is more important than any fashion trend. Making a value judgment about their personality based on their fashion choices is just shortsighted. Perhaps the reason why you felt so upset, Madison, was that you didn't fit in; you weren't fashionable. Also, I would check out the National Museum of the American Indian for some "interesting" contemporary art.

    Responses to this comment
  • Hey Forest: Let me just say that I wasn't really upset because I didn't fit in/wasn't fashionable on DC terms. I'm so used to getting made fun of/stared at/etc because I don't look like everybody else. It's not like I dress in drag...I just don't look like how people expect black guys my age to look. And believe me, people have made it loud and clear that I don't fit in. I was more lamenting the fact that I sat on Dupont Circle for 40 minutes and watch the DC nightlife unfold in less than eye-popping outfits. I don't think you can say that a person is bad because they dress a certain way, like that type of value judgement. But if you see someone who is well put together in an interesting and creative way, you start to think, "Ok. This person has energy." And if you have a whole city of people like that, you might start think, "Wow! This place is alive!" Just for the record, I did strike up conversations with the handful of interestingly dressed people I saw. Guess what? They all felt like they were marginalized, like they couldn't express themselves. One guy from Virginia Beach told me that he stopped dressing interestingly because he couldn't take the way people looked at him, or asked why he wore what he wore. Now that's just wrong: that people can be bullied into conformity. CONFORMITY.

    Responses to this comment
  • "Now that's just wrong: that people can be bullied into conformity." To me conformity is when you start shopping at American Apparel. They spend millions of dollars on advertising to get people to shop at their "kooky" chain stores. They're just another version of Wal Mart.

    Responses to this comment
  • Good point Marty. But I think that the value of AmAp is that you can make of it what you want. You can be kooky or not. A lot of readymade screen printed t-shirts are from AmAp.

    Responses to this comment
  • True, Madison, but isn't that true of any store? To me places like that are just cookie cutter businesses and ruining New York City. And this is just my opinion, but it's like they try to hard to be "kooky." If you're truly kooky, you're not trying to be that way, you just are.

    Responses to this comment
  • Some of us in the D.C. area actually know what a fashion crime looks like. Case in point: www.theelectors.com

    Responses to this comment

Register or Login to leave a comment